Gossip about Sinnamon

Right, so I had to decide about my anonymity on here and figured that yeah, I'll talk about this. So... J, who I mentioned before, is in another city and we're very clearly in a non-relationship but I get to deal with all the goodies of being treated like I am the girlfriend. For example, him getting jealous over me having a picture on Facebook sitting with another guy (and I can safely say I will have a freakout entry one day about Facebook, god I hate that site) or getting jealous because I have someone show up on my friends list who's a guy I went on a date with ONCE or getting upset because I'm going out with my single girlfriends to the club or getting upset because I don't place him as my highest priority when he wants something. Even this kind of behaviour I don't tolerate well in a relationship so this really just irritates the F outta me when this happens. We're not together and he's told me he doesn't know when I ask him if we're bf/gf or if he wants to be with me. Personally, I'm done with him, I just find it incredibly hard to end the friendship.

Anyways. Point? J has a best friend who he grew up with as a teenager and they both came over from Africa together, went to school together, lived together, etc. Said best friend (I'll call him K) lives here in my city and we talk on MSN and go to the odd movie together and get along rather well BUT knowing J's intese jealousy, we avoid each other for the most part.

About 8 months ago, me and K were joking around on MSN and sort of making fun of this non-relationship me and J are in. We both are aware of his jealousy and thought we'd see what happened if we told J that me and K are gonna go on a date. At first there was disbelief and J didn't believe it at all. Then we convinced him it's true and we're going to just try it out. J lit on fire, gave us both an intense amount of crap, almost started crying, etc. so we had to bail out on the joke. BUT, said joke kind of ignited this thought in our minds and we do have this sort of latent attraction for each other but we didn't do anything about it because of J.

K and I have been talking on MSN a lot and we've been doing a lot of flirting lately and talking about sexual things (not what we'd do to each other but just what we like, fantasies, etc.) and generally walking on thin ice. K is in a relationship with this girl who lives in the US and this is also an on again, off again relationship but they are commited to each other and do hope to be together in the future one day. They see each other 3 times a year. I don't know why I mentioned her, I guess it's my own guilt.

Anyways, Saturday evening, K and I ended up seeing each other face to face after a lengthy conversation on MSN and we ended up taking things too far. We'd never done anything physical before, not even a touch. That night we definitely touched. We held each other, we caressed, fondled, etc. We definitely took things to another level that we shouldn't have. We didn't have sex or even kiss but still. Things changed.

My question is my guilt. Is it because of this non-relationship I'm in? Yes. I would feel so bad if J found out. I want him to commit to me and he refuses ... so I'm doing what? Trying to get even by messing around with his best friend? Why do I feel so guilty? He doesn't want to be with me long-term. *sigh*

K and I definitly broke the rules though. That's his best friend. Stupider thing too is that obviously K doesn't want to be with me either, he wants to be with that girl in the US. I just feel stupid for even making that choice to see him. It was my selfishness that wanted to just feel him once in my arms. It's like dipping your toe in the water but knowing it's too cold to go for a swim.

I have to make sure I back off really well here. I can't let my selfishness get in the way of my life or other's lives like that again. Surely K needs to think about that too if he really wants to be with that girl. But for me, I know that if I want to ever even consider being in a relationship with anyone, I can't be doing things like that. You just never mess with a guy's best friend. It's like one of those rules.