I was just thinking about how fast the weekend went by and how so much of it was consumed by stress that I just DID NOT WANT. The man that I had wanted to marry will not stay out of my life even though ... well, suffice it to say that he is obligated by law to stay away. I realized last night that I am enabling him to do this. My own guilt and conscience aids and abets him and permits him to harass me and scare the living bejeesus out of me. I made a choice to quit enabling him awhile back and even though I fall sometimes, I have been falling less and less. Last night was a night I did not fall and I am proud of it.
Anyway, point being, I have to work tomorrow as do a lot of you out there. I am exhausted, in a very literal sense and a very emotional sense. I am barely back to full-time and I am having to balance this "other" life on the side-lines and I just can't do it. I go back on call as of Wednesday night and I cannot handle this extra drama.
So to all of you people out there who are trying to deal with ending a relationship with an abusive partner and you just can't quite do it but you're trying really hard? I feel you. I really do. The truth comes in ignoring and sticking to it. Do not answer the door. Do not pick up the phone. Do not answer or send text messages or emails. Do this for your piece of mind and sanity. They eventually let up, if not eventually stop, if they don't get the response they want.
Please be thinking of me and give me strength to continue so I do not give in. Rihanna said if something like this happens, do not make your choice based on LOVE. That is the most difficult thing to do. Do not make your choice based on emotions.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
In the minute I have...
I just wanted to say that I find StumbleUpon a wonderful tool to educate oneself, or to at least feel that we are educating ourselves. I learnt about clever monkeys and how cultured they truly are. I learnt about how important sex is in order to introduce genetic variance to any species. I learnt about how all religions have inherent similarities and maybe my thinking is not so way off when I think there is truth to all religions. I learnt about black holes and how scientists have been able to define their existence.
There are countless things I have learnt about and I believe that StumbleUpon is one of the best things I have ever found. I do not have any access to cable TV or satellite TV and I do not believe in it. I do not want to be overwhelmed by media intrusions nor succumb to advertising. I like to choose, or at least have a greater choice in what I watch.
Of course, this tool does not work the same way for everyone. Others may choose to only permit humour or music to show up on their selection of categories. That is fine. I choose to make it educate me and so it does.
Hahaha it keeps me from going on to dating sites or immersing myself in games and online forums!!
There are countless things I have learnt about and I believe that StumbleUpon is one of the best things I have ever found. I do not have any access to cable TV or satellite TV and I do not believe in it. I do not want to be overwhelmed by media intrusions nor succumb to advertising. I like to choose, or at least have a greater choice in what I watch.
Of course, this tool does not work the same way for everyone. Others may choose to only permit humour or music to show up on their selection of categories. That is fine. I choose to make it educate me and so it does.
Hahaha it keeps me from going on to dating sites or immersing myself in games and online forums!!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Song in your head?
Last thought... do you often wake up with a song in your head? EVERY single morning I do.
Sometimes it is completely random, as well, like a song from my childhood or somewhere else. Sometimes it is from recent listenings, such as the radio. Fireflies likes to pop into my head in the middle of the day but this isn't what I mean. I mean right when you wake up....
Now, I'm somewhat of a believer in dreams. I'm taking to writing them down in hopes of getting something more from them over time. I find I'm remembering more smaller details such as colours and textures, the more I write down. I had started to do the same thing with the lyrics of songs that I was hearing in my head when I was on bedrest after the surgery but the problem with it, was that it was making me sad. The songs and words were very poignant. You see, I would hear specific parts of a song and the other lyrics would disappear but other parts were as clear as day. It was almost like writing out a story. In lyrics, if you will.
Try it. You might be surprised. So much that you stop, like me. Or you carry on and learn a great deal about yourself. Which is what I plan to do.
Sometimes it is completely random, as well, like a song from my childhood or somewhere else. Sometimes it is from recent listenings, such as the radio. Fireflies likes to pop into my head in the middle of the day but this isn't what I mean. I mean right when you wake up....
Now, I'm somewhat of a believer in dreams. I'm taking to writing them down in hopes of getting something more from them over time. I find I'm remembering more smaller details such as colours and textures, the more I write down. I had started to do the same thing with the lyrics of songs that I was hearing in my head when I was on bedrest after the surgery but the problem with it, was that it was making me sad. The songs and words were very poignant. You see, I would hear specific parts of a song and the other lyrics would disappear but other parts were as clear as day. It was almost like writing out a story. In lyrics, if you will.
Try it. You might be surprised. So much that you stop, like me. Or you carry on and learn a great deal about yourself. Which is what I plan to do.
Being a single working mother...
Ok, so this is one of the most difficult jobs. We don't have managers or guidance unless we rely on our own mothers. If you're like me, you're constantly trying to undo a lot of learned behaviours that you know are wrong and reassessing your behaviour at various intervals wondering if you've done as much wrong to your children as your mother did to you.
I am an exhausted single mother at the moment. My mother decided to pitch an absolute bi-polar rage fit at the worst time and left me right when I was going to start work. The idea was I would gradually go back to work part-time and build my strength as I healed from my surgery. Well, no, no such luck. She threw a violent rage, abused everyone with filthy, vile words and shook the entire cohesiveness of our temporary family in the space of 12 hours. It was really quite sad and I still have issues with it. I'm not meaning to feel sorry for myself, it's just been very difficult because I was relying on her and she had made herself reliable. It's very trying when someone breaks your trust so easily. It had taken her 17 years to get back my trust and she lost it that day in the snap of her fingers.
Anyway, minus the complaints, I am very tired. I believe I blew a disc in my mid-back but I am in denial of the fact. I am sincerely hoping it is just a compressed disc that will ease up soon as the pain I get is enough to make me nauseated. My job is at a desk, as you know, being that I am in IT. I find myself utterly desiring bed from the minute I get through my door but I am unable. I have to rest in 5 minute spurts and then do 5 minute bursts of dishes, tidying 3 small items at a time and whatever else is necessary. I also have to figure out dinner for all of us. Not to mention trying to talk to the kids about their day and give them some kind of motherly contact.
I can only ponder my level of tiredness at the moment and I am thinking it is best I sign off.
I keep thinking about J. I miss him terribly although I think a lot of it is the similarity in our corporate jobs. Also our studies and our intertwined lives in the past. I think it is also the fact that I have problems being completely alone. I am trying to sever ties with all the people who have been destructive to me and I always jump to him as being the least destructive, even though in some senses, he was one of the worst because of my utter loss of control in my love for him.
In a lot of ways, I hope I don't break down. I am doing well by myself. If I resign myself to the odd text message as a way of communication with the married one, I give myself a lot less stress. Though there would be much less if I did not resign at all. But I feel I am doing well. I have returned to work, full-time, even though I am suffering, I am still doing it. I am not relying on anyone to help me. Let me continue this way.
Maybe one day, in 10 years or so, I will find myself a true partner. For now, I wish to suffice myself with myself... and my children.
I am an exhausted single mother at the moment. My mother decided to pitch an absolute bi-polar rage fit at the worst time and left me right when I was going to start work. The idea was I would gradually go back to work part-time and build my strength as I healed from my surgery. Well, no, no such luck. She threw a violent rage, abused everyone with filthy, vile words and shook the entire cohesiveness of our temporary family in the space of 12 hours. It was really quite sad and I still have issues with it. I'm not meaning to feel sorry for myself, it's just been very difficult because I was relying on her and she had made herself reliable. It's very trying when someone breaks your trust so easily. It had taken her 17 years to get back my trust and she lost it that day in the snap of her fingers.
Anyway, minus the complaints, I am very tired. I believe I blew a disc in my mid-back but I am in denial of the fact. I am sincerely hoping it is just a compressed disc that will ease up soon as the pain I get is enough to make me nauseated. My job is at a desk, as you know, being that I am in IT. I find myself utterly desiring bed from the minute I get through my door but I am unable. I have to rest in 5 minute spurts and then do 5 minute bursts of dishes, tidying 3 small items at a time and whatever else is necessary. I also have to figure out dinner for all of us. Not to mention trying to talk to the kids about their day and give them some kind of motherly contact.
I can only ponder my level of tiredness at the moment and I am thinking it is best I sign off.
I keep thinking about J. I miss him terribly although I think a lot of it is the similarity in our corporate jobs. Also our studies and our intertwined lives in the past. I think it is also the fact that I have problems being completely alone. I am trying to sever ties with all the people who have been destructive to me and I always jump to him as being the least destructive, even though in some senses, he was one of the worst because of my utter loss of control in my love for him.
In a lot of ways, I hope I don't break down. I am doing well by myself. If I resign myself to the odd text message as a way of communication with the married one, I give myself a lot less stress. Though there would be much less if I did not resign at all. But I feel I am doing well. I have returned to work, full-time, even though I am suffering, I am still doing it. I am not relying on anyone to help me. Let me continue this way.
Maybe one day, in 10 years or so, I will find myself a true partner. For now, I wish to suffice myself with myself... and my children.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
H1N1 and tiny update
I was reading back through a few of my posts from '07 (and wow, it's been awhile since I've written in here!) and well... J is out of my life, although I have been very tempted to reach out and make contact. I think somehow I finally realized what I was NOT to him and made the right choice to end it. The married one, he is almost out of my life save for the odd text message and delusions of grandeur. I feel close to free and hope I can hang onto it for dear life. I really need to be truly free of neurotic male influences and deal with my own neurotic self-influence! HAH!
My children and I all had H1N1 recently and it was miserable. Although I do have to note that it was not any worse than any other flu I have had in my life since childhood. I still hold to my belief that the "pandemic" and media hype is just that. Hype. Less people have died from H1N1 than regular seasonal flu. It affects the same groups of people with health risks as regular seasonal flu and basically does the same thing except in some cases, includes nausea/vomiting. Which we didn't have, not that you needed to know. The worst of it was the fever and that's the same as any flu.
Right, so that's all I had to say! Back to getting ready for bed.
My children and I all had H1N1 recently and it was miserable. Although I do have to note that it was not any worse than any other flu I have had in my life since childhood. I still hold to my belief that the "pandemic" and media hype is just that. Hype. Less people have died from H1N1 than regular seasonal flu. It affects the same groups of people with health risks as regular seasonal flu and basically does the same thing except in some cases, includes nausea/vomiting. Which we didn't have, not that you needed to know. The worst of it was the fever and that's the same as any flu.
Right, so that's all I had to say! Back to getting ready for bed.
Things I covet, often wonder and blunder.
First, I wonder why my cat is sitting on my alarm clock, which is rather small and is batting at all my, what MUST be, offensive jewelry that is sitting on my nightstand. I find it peculiar, or "often wonder", why it is that she is so tabby-esk, for lack of a better term. I have another cat that is of the long-haired Himalayan type, although not thorough-bred. His behaviour is so radically different although typical of this type of cat. It makes me wonder why behaviour traits are just that... traits. My tabby is so much of a tabby in her curiousity, playfulness and attitude that I cannot see her as any other kind.
Anyway, far be it from me to be deemed as one of those dreadful "cat people". Reminds me of a friend I have on one of those damned social networking sites who is constantly posting about their newest kittens and the interactions between those and their current adult cats. Eeessshhh, may I never digress to being like that until I am in my old age.
Oh! Right, I covet this silly little song "Fireflies" by Owl City. The line of getting hugs from a thousand lightning bugs while teaching me to dance really brings something to my heart and mind that was somehow forgotten in childhood. Maybe not so much forgotten but put aside. I really enjoy this song and will stop everything at work to put both plugs in my ears and lose myself in a trance. I feel happy and content that I can still find this simple joy in music and I hope and pray that I will never, ever lose this. I want to compile a "Life" album one day soon and in typing this, I am surprised to remember that I have actually started this but it was with intentions to share it with the man I had intended to marry. THAT is another topic in itself which I don't know if I will ever share. I still cling to my anonymity as though it is a favourite piece of clothing that I dare not ever give away, for fear of losing some part of myself.
I was on a not so brief hiatus that I might have noted in my prior post from the 15th. I am back at work and only having been so for less than a month, it does not surprise me, yet it does surprise me, that there are so many nuances I have not missed! Although I do not miss the interaction with people. When one has been so consumed and almost physically owned by pain, it is nice to feel "owned' in another sense, such as owned by your team or your manager or your job. There is a feeling of being needed that is balancing somehow.
I am seated with my colleagues but also seated with some other employees that both instilled feelings of ... displacement? I have come to realize prior to today that my current occupation is but a stepping stone. I am living it for the moment because it meets my needs and I am good at it. I have always felt there is more to me in this life though, than IT. One of the "other employees" today was mentioning Meyers-Briggs tests and I have thoroughly enjoyed and have a certain amount of faith in these "boxed types of people" results. Of course there will always be discrepancies, etc. but I have found a way to categorize my understanding of people by these tests.
Anyway, I was more than willing to talk about how I am an INTJ that can be an INTP, depending on the day. Now this employee is a regional director of some high up group of yadda-yadda and so-and-so and I have always enjoyed talking with him. It did not surprise me that he was also the same as me. Our discussions that followed, however, did reinstate this feeling that I am not meant to stay in my current field. Regardless, I cannot and will not act on this yet but it further concretes my need to update my life plan and continue to reach further and higher.
Now, this OTHER employee who just recently moved into our cubicle farm is involved in some work that should be mine, by all rights and purposes. I feel as though he has my job and somehow something went wrong somewhere hahaha. I really am quite interested in what he is doing and perhaps it is not so exciting because I am on the other side of the fence. I think my mild obsession with this brief conversation is that I was quite envious of the tools he had to work with. I feel as though I am working with archaeic and obsolete tools but by the very system I am working in, I am bound and I am proficient within my boundaries. It just saddens me to see someone working with something so fancy, so adept, so easy to manipulate. Although it strikes me in this same train of thought that the foundation in which I work is extremely complex and in it's old ways gives me the better understanding and respect for the tools which this other guy is using.
*Sigh* So now I must sleep. I don't feel as I gave many insights today nor did I have any great revelations. But these are my thoughts and that which I share with you...
Good night. :)
Anyway, far be it from me to be deemed as one of those dreadful "cat people". Reminds me of a friend I have on one of those damned social networking sites who is constantly posting about their newest kittens and the interactions between those and their current adult cats. Eeessshhh, may I never digress to being like that until I am in my old age.
Oh! Right, I covet this silly little song "Fireflies" by Owl City. The line of getting hugs from a thousand lightning bugs while teaching me to dance really brings something to my heart and mind that was somehow forgotten in childhood. Maybe not so much forgotten but put aside. I really enjoy this song and will stop everything at work to put both plugs in my ears and lose myself in a trance. I feel happy and content that I can still find this simple joy in music and I hope and pray that I will never, ever lose this. I want to compile a "Life" album one day soon and in typing this, I am surprised to remember that I have actually started this but it was with intentions to share it with the man I had intended to marry. THAT is another topic in itself which I don't know if I will ever share. I still cling to my anonymity as though it is a favourite piece of clothing that I dare not ever give away, for fear of losing some part of myself.
I was on a not so brief hiatus that I might have noted in my prior post from the 15th. I am back at work and only having been so for less than a month, it does not surprise me, yet it does surprise me, that there are so many nuances I have not missed! Although I do not miss the interaction with people. When one has been so consumed and almost physically owned by pain, it is nice to feel "owned' in another sense, such as owned by your team or your manager or your job. There is a feeling of being needed that is balancing somehow.
I am seated with my colleagues but also seated with some other employees that both instilled feelings of ... displacement? I have come to realize prior to today that my current occupation is but a stepping stone. I am living it for the moment because it meets my needs and I am good at it. I have always felt there is more to me in this life though, than IT. One of the "other employees" today was mentioning Meyers-Briggs tests and I have thoroughly enjoyed and have a certain amount of faith in these "boxed types of people" results. Of course there will always be discrepancies, etc. but I have found a way to categorize my understanding of people by these tests.
Anyway, I was more than willing to talk about how I am an INTJ that can be an INTP, depending on the day. Now this employee is a regional director of some high up group of yadda-yadda and so-and-so and I have always enjoyed talking with him. It did not surprise me that he was also the same as me. Our discussions that followed, however, did reinstate this feeling that I am not meant to stay in my current field. Regardless, I cannot and will not act on this yet but it further concretes my need to update my life plan and continue to reach further and higher.
Now, this OTHER employee who just recently moved into our cubicle farm is involved in some work that should be mine, by all rights and purposes. I feel as though he has my job and somehow something went wrong somewhere hahaha. I really am quite interested in what he is doing and perhaps it is not so exciting because I am on the other side of the fence. I think my mild obsession with this brief conversation is that I was quite envious of the tools he had to work with. I feel as though I am working with archaeic and obsolete tools but by the very system I am working in, I am bound and I am proficient within my boundaries. It just saddens me to see someone working with something so fancy, so adept, so easy to manipulate. Although it strikes me in this same train of thought that the foundation in which I work is extremely complex and in it's old ways gives me the better understanding and respect for the tools which this other guy is using.
*Sigh* So now I must sleep. I don't feel as I gave many insights today nor did I have any great revelations. But these are my thoughts and that which I share with you...
Good night. :)
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