The mom deal!! Quick note..

Oh I was thinking about how I used to write in here about being a mom... recovering from surgery made that really difficult. I felt extremely distant from the very beings who came from my own body. I have only just came around to a state where I am actually able to be their "physical" mother, if you can understand that. I have been there for them when they needed me but only as a presence for advice or emotional support. I was bed-ridden for almost a month and barely able to do basic day-to-day abilities, such as walking, picking things up, etc. To be totally denied one's ability to function as a normal person takes away a certain credibility in one's own mind in how to be a mother. In the physical sense, I mean, like taking them swimming, to the park, play wrestling, picking them up after school, etc.
I am back at the point where I am about 65% physically able and I took them swimming and it was like a smack in the face about how much was missed in having that contact. I was able to carry them in the water and have them ride on my back. That contact was so important and I had missed it so much! I knew it was gone but the old saying goes that "you don't know what you're missing until it's gone" seems kind of opposite. You may know what is missing but when it comes back??? You really realize what you missed.

Not quite an update but...

I have been gone for quite some time. My work was put on hiatus due to a car accident and surgery that followed 5 months after. My mother came up to help me and I have to say that it is quite difficult to have a mother help you when she is a manic-depressive with violent and suicidal tendencies. I do have to give her credit and say she did quite well until today. Let it be said that she is no longer here and I shipped her off onto the next bus, not because she told me to but because I do believe I might have done something unspeakable if I did not.

I have been submitted to a litany of foul, banshee-like screeching with every word calculated to be the worst possible thing ANYONE could possilby imagine to say. I was called a "C", a "B", a "F-C" and told that everything that has ever happened to me was my own fault and I deserved it. I was also told that I let everything happen to me. I know that you, my reader, has no idea what has happened but as a woman, just imagine the worst things you could imagine a boyfriend or husband doing, it has been done. My own mother told me I deserved it and I let it happen and I also never did anything about it because I never took illegal means as punishment.

I am feeling broken today. I am also feeling that I need to write again because I need an outlet and I also need anonymity. I will not be as broken as I feel. Words are only words but sadly they are a weapon. I will not use mine as a weapon, only expression.

I can only hope and pray somehow that my mother feels some shame and regret for what she did and said. There is a saying somewhere that says something along the lines that it takes a lifetime to gain trust, but only a second to lose it. This is not the first time it has been lost but this one hurt the most.