This is just one woman's unfocused thoughts... meandering around the field of her own mind. Trying to exhaust herself so she can just sleep without thinking. How nice that would be.
I'm not sure what to talk about. I have a few opinionated things to say... like about Facebook and the funwalls. Or hypocrites. But really, I'm exhausted after Hallowe'en. I did win best dressed for my entire floor at work. I thought that was nice.
I'm trying to make my way through Reign Over Me. It's a little long and a bit dry but there is a point there. The Invisible is a really good movie. I totally recommend it.
I'm wondering if I should get a therapist. I'm almost wondering if it's just that I need someone intelligent and what's that word for being comprehending but open... kind of like empathetic. Maybe it's receptive. I don't know. I just need someone there to listen to me ramble and help point me in the right direction with how to deal with my frustrations.
My mind is starting to hit that point... you know when CBC hits the end of it's programming for the day and they play the national anthem? Then the bars with different colours comes up and that high pitched monotonous and endless tone starts? That's my mind right now. I wonder who decided that image was a good one to put up?
Neurotic pointless little post. Good night.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
An uneventful day
Life is rather dry these days. My work has nothing to provide for me, stimulation wise and I've been recently moved to another side of the building. I don't get to integrate with the people around me anymore. I'm stuck on the side of the *gack* accountants and managers. How much drier can that get? At least the girl in the desk ahead of me talks to herself. That's the only conversation I get. I have heard, however, that the gossip has gotten so bad inside of my "home" department, that the other departments are talking about them. I'm slightly content to know that I'm not a part of that.
Otherwise, nothing too special. Though I do beleive I mentioned J earlier. I've been going through many stages of pushing him away. I even went so far as to tell him not to come here when he secretly planned a 4 day visit. I felt horrible doing that. It was the meanest but most horrifically logical thing I'd ever done. Fat load of good it did me. I went and visited him the weekend before last, which entailed hours and hours of driving, getting lost and hitting snow in early October. I totally broke down. I had been sick for 2 weeks and I needed to be taken care of. So I drove hundreds of kilometres to get it. It was worth it too. I still don't understand why I can desire marriage and long-term so much yet willing remain with J when he has no clear desire to be long-term. I take small solace in his jealousy and knowing that he is only with me anyways and doesn't want anyone else.
The main point of this is that he asked me to be his date for his companies Christmas party. It's a very big thing. It's held at a very high ranking hotel in his city and is very formal. Ice sculptures and fountains of champagne and the like. Over 1000 people will attend this. I'm quite excited about it and glad he asked me. I feel a sense of validation. His cousins, siblings and now workmates will know about me. Perhaps I am climbing the ladder of standing. Perhaps I am just wishing. I choose to live in the unknown and cloud of happiness for now and not push the issue.
I also got asked to go to another Christmas party by a guy from highschool who had a crush on me for years but I felt he trivialized it. It's like he just wants to show me off to his work friends cuz I'm so "hot". Oh well, at least I'm desired, I suppose.
Anyways, it's late. I need to sleep. Hallowe'en is tomorrow! Excitement!! I love dressing up.
Otherwise, nothing too special. Though I do beleive I mentioned J earlier. I've been going through many stages of pushing him away. I even went so far as to tell him not to come here when he secretly planned a 4 day visit. I felt horrible doing that. It was the meanest but most horrifically logical thing I'd ever done. Fat load of good it did me. I went and visited him the weekend before last, which entailed hours and hours of driving, getting lost and hitting snow in early October. I totally broke down. I had been sick for 2 weeks and I needed to be taken care of. So I drove hundreds of kilometres to get it. It was worth it too. I still don't understand why I can desire marriage and long-term so much yet willing remain with J when he has no clear desire to be long-term. I take small solace in his jealousy and knowing that he is only with me anyways and doesn't want anyone else.
The main point of this is that he asked me to be his date for his companies Christmas party. It's a very big thing. It's held at a very high ranking hotel in his city and is very formal. Ice sculptures and fountains of champagne and the like. Over 1000 people will attend this. I'm quite excited about it and glad he asked me. I feel a sense of validation. His cousins, siblings and now workmates will know about me. Perhaps I am climbing the ladder of standing. Perhaps I am just wishing. I choose to live in the unknown and cloud of happiness for now and not push the issue.
I also got asked to go to another Christmas party by a guy from highschool who had a crush on me for years but I felt he trivialized it. It's like he just wants to show me off to his work friends cuz I'm so "hot". Oh well, at least I'm desired, I suppose.
Anyways, it's late. I need to sleep. Hallowe'en is tomorrow! Excitement!! I love dressing up.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Thoughts on behaviour and morales
I was thinking about the women that I "hang around" with from time to time who I have come to know since living in this city. The thinking starts with my friend, who I've known since my oldest son was a baby, as her son was born 3 weeks before him. We were quite close friends for the first couple years and it seems to me that the more I got to know her, the more I didn't like her and her choices. Now, what gives me the right to judge, I guess is the question. But I think my problem is the fact that I have morales and increasingly, I see women having no morales. I don't know what the trend is or why this is happening but it seems to be true.
This friend of mine has willingly gone to the bar to find a man to sleep with and done so. She's been with countless amounts of men and has no shame. She has no qualms about smoking weed around her son (who she rarely has anyways) and had no qualms about doing coke for the longest time either. She just doesn't care. She doesn't think about what she does and is only interested in herself. She doesn't want to be with anyone for a long period of time and has no shame in saying so.
All her friends are just like that too. I don't understand what it is that makes these people happy. One of the girls has lost her son and refused to stay with the father. She repeatedly cheated on him and wouldn't stop. She just didn't care. She had no morales and just did what felt good to her. She would have men over while the father was at work.
It's like pleasure and disregard for anyone except themself is the crack cocaine of society today.
So many of the women I know are like this. Am I missing something? Where are all the good people hiding? I mean, sure, I don't get out much but what the hell is going on? I'm sure there must be some good women. Maybe they're hiding in the churches or something but then they're going to be judgemental and religious. Mind you, smaller price to pay than the chances of catching some STD or getting sick from drugs or who knows what else.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I drink on the weekends. I've made mistakes with guys and had sex too quickly and then found out they weren't interested in anything long term. I've dated a married man (which is the worst thing in the world I've ever done. I fell in love with him before I found out and then I couldn't stop). But I try to be good. I put my children first. I'm looking for long-term and nothing less. I'm devoted and loyal. I'm respectful and honest. Why are those things so hard to find in other women?
Don't women realize that by behaving like this, nobody is going to want them? They just look cheap, dirty, used. Or does it even matter anymore. I guess girls like that, find guys that like that. I'd just like to find a girl that's not like that to actually be friends with. Heaven forbid, find a guy who's not like that and is a good match for me. *sigh*
This friend of mine has willingly gone to the bar to find a man to sleep with and done so. She's been with countless amounts of men and has no shame. She has no qualms about smoking weed around her son (who she rarely has anyways) and had no qualms about doing coke for the longest time either. She just doesn't care. She doesn't think about what she does and is only interested in herself. She doesn't want to be with anyone for a long period of time and has no shame in saying so.
All her friends are just like that too. I don't understand what it is that makes these people happy. One of the girls has lost her son and refused to stay with the father. She repeatedly cheated on him and wouldn't stop. She just didn't care. She had no morales and just did what felt good to her. She would have men over while the father was at work.
It's like pleasure and disregard for anyone except themself is the crack cocaine of society today.
So many of the women I know are like this. Am I missing something? Where are all the good people hiding? I mean, sure, I don't get out much but what the hell is going on? I'm sure there must be some good women. Maybe they're hiding in the churches or something but then they're going to be judgemental and religious. Mind you, smaller price to pay than the chances of catching some STD or getting sick from drugs or who knows what else.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I drink on the weekends. I've made mistakes with guys and had sex too quickly and then found out they weren't interested in anything long term. I've dated a married man (which is the worst thing in the world I've ever done. I fell in love with him before I found out and then I couldn't stop). But I try to be good. I put my children first. I'm looking for long-term and nothing less. I'm devoted and loyal. I'm respectful and honest. Why are those things so hard to find in other women?
Don't women realize that by behaving like this, nobody is going to want them? They just look cheap, dirty, used. Or does it even matter anymore. I guess girls like that, find guys that like that. I'd just like to find a girl that's not like that to actually be friends with. Heaven forbid, find a guy who's not like that and is a good match for me. *sigh*
A restless evening
So, here I am trying desperately to sleep. I know my body needs it. I went to a costume party last night and I've been trying to recover from the stomach spasms that decided to hit me at about 2 am. There's something seriously screwed up with my stomach. It really doesn't like me some days. Maybe it really is a gluten problem, I don't know. Anyways, long story short, I've been in pain since 2 am and it finally stopped around 7 pm tonight. I watched a few shows with my kids and now they're asleep.
My brain will not rest. I believe I'm a bit neurotic. I don't know why it is that God decided to make us aware of our own impending death. To be aware of your own mortality is a mental torture that I cannot get away from. I hate it. It makes me crazy at night. I don't know why I cannot stop thinking about it.
I hate knowing that I'm 29 and that if I'm lucky, I'll live until I'm 80. I hate having a life expectancy. I have very little faith in an afterlife, no matter how much I believe in God. I always have this nagging sense that it's a trick, this whole religion thing. Like it's a cop-out so we don't have to be so freaked out about dying.
I don't know. My oldest son is aware of dying and he asks me about it and it scares him (understandably so). I had hoped that by this time in my life I would be able to reassure him and really mean it. Now I tell him that there is a heaven and I don't even fully believe it myself. I truly wish there was a heaven and I want to go there. But I have such a hard time believing it. I'm so scared of dying. I don't want to lose my consiousness.
I think I must be crazy. Why can't I just be like everyone else and not think about it or worry about it? I can convince myself of that for a few days sometimes but then I just get right back into that weird thinking. I guess it might be easier if there was someone to turn to at night and just hold. I feel so alone and all these spinning thoughts of my own mortality don't go anywhere. I know the idea of "You can't control it so why worry about it" should work. It just doesn't for me. I just have to pretend it's not going to happen somehow.
I hope I can get closer to God soon. This is making me insane.
My brain will not rest. I believe I'm a bit neurotic. I don't know why it is that God decided to make us aware of our own impending death. To be aware of your own mortality is a mental torture that I cannot get away from. I hate it. It makes me crazy at night. I don't know why I cannot stop thinking about it.
I hate knowing that I'm 29 and that if I'm lucky, I'll live until I'm 80. I hate having a life expectancy. I have very little faith in an afterlife, no matter how much I believe in God. I always have this nagging sense that it's a trick, this whole religion thing. Like it's a cop-out so we don't have to be so freaked out about dying.
I don't know. My oldest son is aware of dying and he asks me about it and it scares him (understandably so). I had hoped that by this time in my life I would be able to reassure him and really mean it. Now I tell him that there is a heaven and I don't even fully believe it myself. I truly wish there was a heaven and I want to go there. But I have such a hard time believing it. I'm so scared of dying. I don't want to lose my consiousness.
I think I must be crazy. Why can't I just be like everyone else and not think about it or worry about it? I can convince myself of that for a few days sometimes but then I just get right back into that weird thinking. I guess it might be easier if there was someone to turn to at night and just hold. I feel so alone and all these spinning thoughts of my own mortality don't go anywhere. I know the idea of "You can't control it so why worry about it" should work. It just doesn't for me. I just have to pretend it's not going to happen somehow.
I hope I can get closer to God soon. This is making me insane.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
*Gasp* Yes, I do live. Let me come to my blog for some fresh air. At least the green theme gives the impression of such. Haha!
I have to get back on this writing thing! I'll try to connect later tonight if the children give me some time to do so.
Life changes quite a bit in a month, just like the air and how the leaves on the trees are changing colour! Wow, does it molt from season to season quickly around here! 4:53 pm
8:48 pm
So I'm back again and I'm not sure how long this will last as both my children are by me and they are both learning at a rather quick rate, how to read. I'm trying to think if there is anything new to update or anything relevant. I've been intensely busy with work so I haven't had as much time to read interesting articles in the news. Rather sad as I get behind on the world except for when I log out of hotmail and it goes to sympatico and the newest headlines show up.
Also school started at the beginning of September and that definitely causes an uproar in anyone's schedule, as you parents well know. I think we're finally settling into that pattern again. Also there were other things going on with the children's father and the ministry but that's done and over with and no point talking about.
I'm desperately hoping that things have settled down enough that I can write in here again and give the focus back to writing once a week, at least.
Part of the reason I came back was reading my brother's own blog and seeing a real sense of loss, confusion and disassociation with himself. A real intelligence striving for a sense of self-acceptance hiding and fighting against anger from his childhood. It was somewhat touching but rather scary as he was the only other one of us children who seemed to have found a normalcy in life and gone forward from the neurosis of our family life. I hardly say that in the sense of all these people saying that their family is neurotic and every family has their own set of problems. This is the real thing. I just found it a shock to read his writing and see how predominant our childhood still is in his way of thinking.
Anyways, I'm back. I'm here. I have to sleep. More writing to come soon... I hope.
I have to get back on this writing thing! I'll try to connect later tonight if the children give me some time to do so.
Life changes quite a bit in a month, just like the air and how the leaves on the trees are changing colour! Wow, does it molt from season to season quickly around here! 4:53 pm
8:48 pm
So I'm back again and I'm not sure how long this will last as both my children are by me and they are both learning at a rather quick rate, how to read. I'm trying to think if there is anything new to update or anything relevant. I've been intensely busy with work so I haven't had as much time to read interesting articles in the news. Rather sad as I get behind on the world except for when I log out of hotmail and it goes to sympatico and the newest headlines show up.
Also school started at the beginning of September and that definitely causes an uproar in anyone's schedule, as you parents well know. I think we're finally settling into that pattern again. Also there were other things going on with the children's father and the ministry but that's done and over with and no point talking about.
I'm desperately hoping that things have settled down enough that I can write in here again and give the focus back to writing once a week, at least.
Part of the reason I came back was reading my brother's own blog and seeing a real sense of loss, confusion and disassociation with himself. A real intelligence striving for a sense of self-acceptance hiding and fighting against anger from his childhood. It was somewhat touching but rather scary as he was the only other one of us children who seemed to have found a normalcy in life and gone forward from the neurosis of our family life. I hardly say that in the sense of all these people saying that their family is neurotic and every family has their own set of problems. This is the real thing. I just found it a shock to read his writing and see how predominant our childhood still is in his way of thinking.
Anyways, I'm back. I'm here. I have to sleep. More writing to come soon... I hope.
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