As I've complained bitterly before, I have stomach spasms on quite a regular basis lately. I've eliminated almost ALL wheat products with little success, I've recently eliminated alcohol (a sad parting I might add, I do like the numb, thought-LESS feeling it induces after 2 drinks), anything with red food dye and I'm now considering eliminating any and all milk products. I know that I get this odd feeling in my stomach after having tea with milk or ice cream (without tea) and well, I can't say it's pain at all but rather a spongy, squishy sensation that I can't say I enjoy.
So I've done this with no success save for the milk thing which I'll make official as of today. I don't know what the hell is wrong with my stomach. I've had problems since I was young. I was diagnosed after 6 years of suffering with Gastroparesis when I was 19 and then after having babies, it corrected itself. I remember after having babies though, when I got into fights and abusive situations with my now ex, I'd curl up into a ball with pain. So some of it is stress related.
What I don't understand now is what is going on and if it's stress related, why is it so localized and affected by pressure and how I lie down. I'm so confused and my doctor is telling me that f'in term IBS or maybe it's gluten allergies or lactose intolerance. I hate the term IBS. It's a hook doctor's hang stomach pains on. What I'm really tired of, is the pain. I'm very tired from it. I'm losing my patience with everything and I'm stressed out because of it. I'm used to it, don't get me wrong. I have a high tolerance for shit being handed to me, in particular, pain. But I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do about it anymore.
I know some of it is stress related but I don't know what to do about that. I can't help but be snide to the people who tell me to take a break, make time for "me" time, do something for youself for once. I want to just scream at them and make them understand that I don't have time for me yet. All I have time for is kids, work, cleaning, cooking and sleep. If I'm lucky I have time to watch a couple of shows I like. Maybe I'll be able to have time to draw a picture but for f's sake, it's wishful thinking to imagine spare time where I can "pamper" myself and make myself magically stress free with a bath. Get real. I have one day a week where I have no kids and no work and you know what I do? I cook for the week, I clean and I sleep in. Maybe I'm lucky and I get invited to a party which usually turns to shit cuz those people suck and they hang around people who suck. Most of the time I just "relax" by watching a good movie, alone. I do like to drive with music and I do that on Saturdays. But truly "Me" time would be no pain for more than 3 days straight, no work, no kids, no responsibilities and maybe, just maybe some good company of GOOD people. Laughter and a good massage would be prime. I really hope this X-mas party with J turns out to be like that.
I'm off to watch some Lost. That is a good distracting show. Mind you, I only just watched the first 2 shows of the first season so the rest of you are probably bored with it by now.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
How other's behaviour affects me...
I don't have time to talk about this just yet but I want to talk about it for a long time ... I don't even know what to call him... friend/once lover/ongong problem/frustration of mine that I've had in my life for almost 5 years now. He's extremely unstable at times and I had to deal with him, yet again, during one of his unstable moments. He didn't want to live and was talking about killing himself. I hate dealing with that and somehow I think I enable him by dealing with it. Anyways, I have to get back to work. I'll try to talk about it later tonight.
8:53 pm.
Now giving it some thought, I don't think I have enough in me to give to discussing him tonight. He just frustrates me to no end. He wants so much from me and is willing to give so little. Yet he gives what he feels he can. I just can't talk about him right now. The only thing I'm willing to say at this moment is he was the one I mentioned in a previous post about my friends and their choices. I'd mentioned that I'd made mistakes and I'd been with a married man. Well, he's the married man. I have a million and one excuses as to why he's still in my life, even though he's married and none of them stand up to the test, I think. I'm just weak and no matter what, I can't push him away when he gets suicidal the minute I try to really push him away and out of my life. The odd thing is, this time, I don't feel like I was pushing him away or the reason he went suicidal last night. A question for me to think about anyways.
8:53 pm.
Now giving it some thought, I don't think I have enough in me to give to discussing him tonight. He just frustrates me to no end. He wants so much from me and is willing to give so little. Yet he gives what he feels he can. I just can't talk about him right now. The only thing I'm willing to say at this moment is he was the one I mentioned in a previous post about my friends and their choices. I'd mentioned that I'd made mistakes and I'd been with a married man. Well, he's the married man. I have a million and one excuses as to why he's still in my life, even though he's married and none of them stand up to the test, I think. I'm just weak and no matter what, I can't push him away when he gets suicidal the minute I try to really push him away and out of my life. The odd thing is, this time, I don't feel like I was pushing him away or the reason he went suicidal last night. A question for me to think about anyways.
Anonymity & the question to break it or not?
Troubled, troubled, troubled little mind of mine. Sometimes I envision it as one of those multi-geared contraptions that's moving a million marbles repetitively through-out this huge maze-like mechanism that just never stops and has a million different ways of getting to the same destinations, but each of those destinations having a million more ways to get to another destination. Confused yet? I always am.
One of the things I'm considering is letting my best friend read this. I don't know if I should because it takes away my comfort level of nobody knowing who I am. I might feel obligated NOT to say something, knowing that she might read it. I don't know. I'll think about it some more. In some ways, I don't think it should or would make that much of a difference. She knows almost everything about me as it is. She's the only one I really talk to about the "real" things in life, especially when it comes to those creatures we call Men. Sure I talk to J about everything else but when it comes to Men, I stay far, far away from that topic because he is one of "them" and he just can't understand. I could write an entire essay on the things we debate. He's fun to debate with though, that's really the only reason I do it.
Back to my friend though. I'll call her D. With her, I'm open about everything and thank God for her, really. She is someone who... I don't know... to be cliche... someone who listens but not only that, relates to me and "gets" things. She actually gives me opinions about what I tell her and gives me perspective. Good perspective, at that. We listen to each other and I like to think it's a rather balanced friendship even though it's a bit intermittent (somewhat my own doing, I admit). The other friends that I have are so selfish. They just want me to listen to them, give them advice and try to fix their problems somehow. Or they just want to continue to be the same crappy person they've always been, wallow in it and never change and then complain to me about how crappy their life is. At least, D cares about life, how she lives it, the choices she makes and the things she does. She's a good person and truer to herself and life more than almost anyone I've seen in my life. (if she ends up reading this she's probably blushing right now. I think she believes I think much higher and more of her than she deserves but she's so very wrong.)
Anyways, I know she's started to write a blog and that's what prompted my thoughts in sharing mine with her.
One of the things I'm considering is letting my best friend read this. I don't know if I should because it takes away my comfort level of nobody knowing who I am. I might feel obligated NOT to say something, knowing that she might read it. I don't know. I'll think about it some more. In some ways, I don't think it should or would make that much of a difference. She knows almost everything about me as it is. She's the only one I really talk to about the "real" things in life, especially when it comes to those creatures we call Men. Sure I talk to J about everything else but when it comes to Men, I stay far, far away from that topic because he is one of "them" and he just can't understand. I could write an entire essay on the things we debate. He's fun to debate with though, that's really the only reason I do it.
Back to my friend though. I'll call her D. With her, I'm open about everything and thank God for her, really. She is someone who... I don't know... to be cliche... someone who listens but not only that, relates to me and "gets" things. She actually gives me opinions about what I tell her and gives me perspective. Good perspective, at that. We listen to each other and I like to think it's a rather balanced friendship even though it's a bit intermittent (somewhat my own doing, I admit). The other friends that I have are so selfish. They just want me to listen to them, give them advice and try to fix their problems somehow. Or they just want to continue to be the same crappy person they've always been, wallow in it and never change and then complain to me about how crappy their life is. At least, D cares about life, how she lives it, the choices she makes and the things she does. She's a good person and truer to herself and life more than almost anyone I've seen in my life. (if she ends up reading this she's probably blushing right now. I think she believes I think much higher and more of her than she deserves but she's so very wrong.)
Anyways, I know she's started to write a blog and that's what prompted my thoughts in sharing mine with her.
Monday, November 12, 2007
The right career?
I've been pondering again, damn it all. I've been wondering about my choice of career and whether or not it's the "right" one. I find it satisfying and I like what I do. That usually means it's a good choice. My problem is that it's not really helping anyone, per se. It's not like I'm a nurse or a doctor or a counselor. I don't help anyone or save anyone or provide anything that makes a difference.
The reasons behind this thinking are my own questioning of my life and "what's the point?" I wonder what the point is in my life. I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to die one day and I've come to this crossroads where I'm looking at what I'm doing with my life. I'd like to be doing something that affects people, that helps people.
I had thought that maybe I should be considering a career change on the side and start studying for something that's more fulfilling. But I like what I do, so how does that help me any? So I've come to the conclusion that I should find something to do on the weekends and volunteer my Saturdays to something useful and helpful. I'm pondering a hospice as it would force me to face death by dealing with other people's death. Somehow I'm not sure that's the right thing but I remember a counselor from years back suggesting this to me. Perhaps it would be a good idea. I know that in my last days on Earth, I think I'd want someone to visit me, even if I didn't know them... just so I wouldn't be alone.
The reasons behind this thinking are my own questioning of my life and "what's the point?" I wonder what the point is in my life. I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to die one day and I've come to this crossroads where I'm looking at what I'm doing with my life. I'd like to be doing something that affects people, that helps people.
I had thought that maybe I should be considering a career change on the side and start studying for something that's more fulfilling. But I like what I do, so how does that help me any? So I've come to the conclusion that I should find something to do on the weekends and volunteer my Saturdays to something useful and helpful. I'm pondering a hospice as it would force me to face death by dealing with other people's death. Somehow I'm not sure that's the right thing but I remember a counselor from years back suggesting this to me. Perhaps it would be a good idea. I know that in my last days on Earth, I think I'd want someone to visit me, even if I didn't know them... just so I wouldn't be alone.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
The Canadian Dollar, stomach flu, feminists & long-distance relationships.
Now how does that grab you for a title for an entry? As I'd was going through the tedious process of logging in (as I'm on wireless and my main ethernet computer is busy downloading something), I was trying to think what to talk about. Sometimes I come here with a clear point of view and a very specific topic. Being that I know my time is limited (Batman is almost over and the children will collide once again) I thought I'd give note to the most prominent subjects in my life at this point.
Subject 1 is the Canadian Dollar. My question really is what is up with that? I'm not into business and the methodology behind it nor how the market works. I've taken a couple classes in business and that's not where I'm at when it comes to my mind wondering how the world works. (Not to say that business isn't what makes the world run). What I wonder is why it has gone so high? And the negative effects I'm seeing from the impact are surprising to me. J laughed at me and asked why I was even thinking about it because I never think about things like that, nor talk about it. I had to take some offense because even though I don't take notice of the stock market doesn't mean I don't notice other things. I realize I'm ignorant. Anyways, one of the things I was wondering is if it's really JUST our dollar or if it's the USD that is sinking and the other countries are rising in tandem with Canada. Also, if it's to do with the war, as speculated by J, is it because the USD is losing it's strength and again, is my theory of the other countries true? I still don't know, nor have I had time to Google it (my main tool of research).
Subject 2 is the stomach flu. My oldest son got it or what I think may have been food poisoning. He's been sick since Friday. I, however, have been sick with stomach cramps since Saturday night. I'm seriously starting to think I should give up eating altogether. I don't know what to do. It's like sometimes I can eat wheat products and then other days, I eat a bit and spasms come the next day. The one thing I think I can possibly blame it on is those few chocolates and bags of plain chips I ate that came from Hallowe'en. Only God knows. My fear is that if it is stomach flu that my oldest son has and the youngest has been fighting off, how I'm going to make it through if they give it to me. I'm fearing the pain greatly. I'm just glad they're fine. I managed to get three basic broth soup, bread and water meals into them today and a fair bit of water. So I think they've recovered. Last night was probably one of the most aggravating as both of them were dealing with the tail ends of cramps and I was stuck between the two all night, suffering from my own pains.
Subject 3 is feminism, feminists, radicals and their "agenda". This has been something I have been subject to because of this one group I am part of that has a very active forum. I won't specify the group. Anyways feminism KEEPS coming up and one person in particular has this strong opinion that feminists are trying to take over the world and everything they stand for is not for true equality but so women can take over. Now, I've been reading about these things and so far I have yet to see anything conclusive but my search continues. I can see how that could be the thinking... seeing as women have been pushed down for so long. It would make sense but it's funny how it's become some sort of conspiracy. I really do need to read more before I speculate.
Also another topic that has come up is the feminist's push to alienate father's from their children and the lies that are being spread about men to make them worse than they really are. In particular when it comes to domestic violence accusations and abuse accusations. THIS I actually have to agree with to a point. When it comes down to cases of DV (domestic violence) I do believe that the system has been tainted quite clearly in the favour of the woman and many women abuse this. I believe that a lot of cases of DV are an equal part and that not as often as is thought is the man just plainly beating his wife. I believe that women posess a lot of anger and hostility and tend to use it more than we think. It's not to defend the phrase "She had it coming." because nobody does. BUT what I am saying is that I think in more cases than are truly reported, women do instigate violence and when he fights back, she screams DV.
Subject 4 is long-distance relationships. I've had someone that I had an exclusively internet/phone relationship with, come back into my life. It lasted for over a year and it was amazing the feelings that were there. What I've come to realize is that you cannot know a person unless you meet them face to face. I never did meet him but experiences since then have cemented my belief in that. My problem is that he still loves me and wants to try to build back what we had before. I'm unclear why because he still doesn't have any clear way to get to me. He's stuck somewhere in Germany right now. I don't see the point in attempting to invest time to build back the feelings that we once had just to have them shattered again when things don't work out. I mean, what's the point? I also have enough on my plate with J, as it is. I guess it will end any hopes if I am just clear to this man that I am in a relationship, no matter how confusing said relationship may be.
Subject 1 is the Canadian Dollar. My question really is what is up with that? I'm not into business and the methodology behind it nor how the market works. I've taken a couple classes in business and that's not where I'm at when it comes to my mind wondering how the world works. (Not to say that business isn't what makes the world run). What I wonder is why it has gone so high? And the negative effects I'm seeing from the impact are surprising to me. J laughed at me and asked why I was even thinking about it because I never think about things like that, nor talk about it. I had to take some offense because even though I don't take notice of the stock market doesn't mean I don't notice other things. I realize I'm ignorant. Anyways, one of the things I was wondering is if it's really JUST our dollar or if it's the USD that is sinking and the other countries are rising in tandem with Canada. Also, if it's to do with the war, as speculated by J, is it because the USD is losing it's strength and again, is my theory of the other countries true? I still don't know, nor have I had time to Google it (my main tool of research).
Subject 2 is the stomach flu. My oldest son got it or what I think may have been food poisoning. He's been sick since Friday. I, however, have been sick with stomach cramps since Saturday night. I'm seriously starting to think I should give up eating altogether. I don't know what to do. It's like sometimes I can eat wheat products and then other days, I eat a bit and spasms come the next day. The one thing I think I can possibly blame it on is those few chocolates and bags of plain chips I ate that came from Hallowe'en. Only God knows. My fear is that if it is stomach flu that my oldest son has and the youngest has been fighting off, how I'm going to make it through if they give it to me. I'm fearing the pain greatly. I'm just glad they're fine. I managed to get three basic broth soup, bread and water meals into them today and a fair bit of water. So I think they've recovered. Last night was probably one of the most aggravating as both of them were dealing with the tail ends of cramps and I was stuck between the two all night, suffering from my own pains.
Subject 3 is feminism, feminists, radicals and their "agenda". This has been something I have been subject to because of this one group I am part of that has a very active forum. I won't specify the group. Anyways feminism KEEPS coming up and one person in particular has this strong opinion that feminists are trying to take over the world and everything they stand for is not for true equality but so women can take over. Now, I've been reading about these things and so far I have yet to see anything conclusive but my search continues. I can see how that could be the thinking... seeing as women have been pushed down for so long. It would make sense but it's funny how it's become some sort of conspiracy. I really do need to read more before I speculate.
Also another topic that has come up is the feminist's push to alienate father's from their children and the lies that are being spread about men to make them worse than they really are. In particular when it comes to domestic violence accusations and abuse accusations. THIS I actually have to agree with to a point. When it comes down to cases of DV (domestic violence) I do believe that the system has been tainted quite clearly in the favour of the woman and many women abuse this. I believe that a lot of cases of DV are an equal part and that not as often as is thought is the man just plainly beating his wife. I believe that women posess a lot of anger and hostility and tend to use it more than we think. It's not to defend the phrase "She had it coming." because nobody does. BUT what I am saying is that I think in more cases than are truly reported, women do instigate violence and when he fights back, she screams DV.
Subject 4 is long-distance relationships. I've had someone that I had an exclusively internet/phone relationship with, come back into my life. It lasted for over a year and it was amazing the feelings that were there. What I've come to realize is that you cannot know a person unless you meet them face to face. I never did meet him but experiences since then have cemented my belief in that. My problem is that he still loves me and wants to try to build back what we had before. I'm unclear why because he still doesn't have any clear way to get to me. He's stuck somewhere in Germany right now. I don't see the point in attempting to invest time to build back the feelings that we once had just to have them shattered again when things don't work out. I mean, what's the point? I also have enough on my plate with J, as it is. I guess it will end any hopes if I am just clear to this man that I am in a relationship, no matter how confusing said relationship may be.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Ramblings
This is just one woman's unfocused thoughts... meandering around the field of her own mind. Trying to exhaust herself so she can just sleep without thinking. How nice that would be.
I'm not sure what to talk about. I have a few opinionated things to say... like about Facebook and the funwalls. Or hypocrites. But really, I'm exhausted after Hallowe'en. I did win best dressed for my entire floor at work. I thought that was nice.
I'm trying to make my way through Reign Over Me. It's a little long and a bit dry but there is a point there. The Invisible is a really good movie. I totally recommend it.
I'm wondering if I should get a therapist. I'm almost wondering if it's just that I need someone intelligent and what's that word for being comprehending but open... kind of like empathetic. Maybe it's receptive. I don't know. I just need someone there to listen to me ramble and help point me in the right direction with how to deal with my frustrations.
My mind is starting to hit that point... you know when CBC hits the end of it's programming for the day and they play the national anthem? Then the bars with different colours comes up and that high pitched monotonous and endless tone starts? That's my mind right now. I wonder who decided that image was a good one to put up?
Neurotic pointless little post. Good night.
I'm not sure what to talk about. I have a few opinionated things to say... like about Facebook and the funwalls. Or hypocrites. But really, I'm exhausted after Hallowe'en. I did win best dressed for my entire floor at work. I thought that was nice.
I'm trying to make my way through Reign Over Me. It's a little long and a bit dry but there is a point there. The Invisible is a really good movie. I totally recommend it.
I'm wondering if I should get a therapist. I'm almost wondering if it's just that I need someone intelligent and what's that word for being comprehending but open... kind of like empathetic. Maybe it's receptive. I don't know. I just need someone there to listen to me ramble and help point me in the right direction with how to deal with my frustrations.
My mind is starting to hit that point... you know when CBC hits the end of it's programming for the day and they play the national anthem? Then the bars with different colours comes up and that high pitched monotonous and endless tone starts? That's my mind right now. I wonder who decided that image was a good one to put up?
Neurotic pointless little post. Good night.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
An uneventful day
Life is rather dry these days. My work has nothing to provide for me, stimulation wise and I've been recently moved to another side of the building. I don't get to integrate with the people around me anymore. I'm stuck on the side of the *gack* accountants and managers. How much drier can that get? At least the girl in the desk ahead of me talks to herself. That's the only conversation I get. I have heard, however, that the gossip has gotten so bad inside of my "home" department, that the other departments are talking about them. I'm slightly content to know that I'm not a part of that.
Otherwise, nothing too special. Though I do beleive I mentioned J earlier. I've been going through many stages of pushing him away. I even went so far as to tell him not to come here when he secretly planned a 4 day visit. I felt horrible doing that. It was the meanest but most horrifically logical thing I'd ever done. Fat load of good it did me. I went and visited him the weekend before last, which entailed hours and hours of driving, getting lost and hitting snow in early October. I totally broke down. I had been sick for 2 weeks and I needed to be taken care of. So I drove hundreds of kilometres to get it. It was worth it too. I still don't understand why I can desire marriage and long-term so much yet willing remain with J when he has no clear desire to be long-term. I take small solace in his jealousy and knowing that he is only with me anyways and doesn't want anyone else.
The main point of this is that he asked me to be his date for his companies Christmas party. It's a very big thing. It's held at a very high ranking hotel in his city and is very formal. Ice sculptures and fountains of champagne and the like. Over 1000 people will attend this. I'm quite excited about it and glad he asked me. I feel a sense of validation. His cousins, siblings and now workmates will know about me. Perhaps I am climbing the ladder of standing. Perhaps I am just wishing. I choose to live in the unknown and cloud of happiness for now and not push the issue.
I also got asked to go to another Christmas party by a guy from highschool who had a crush on me for years but I felt he trivialized it. It's like he just wants to show me off to his work friends cuz I'm so "hot". Oh well, at least I'm desired, I suppose.
Anyways, it's late. I need to sleep. Hallowe'en is tomorrow! Excitement!! I love dressing up.
Otherwise, nothing too special. Though I do beleive I mentioned J earlier. I've been going through many stages of pushing him away. I even went so far as to tell him not to come here when he secretly planned a 4 day visit. I felt horrible doing that. It was the meanest but most horrifically logical thing I'd ever done. Fat load of good it did me. I went and visited him the weekend before last, which entailed hours and hours of driving, getting lost and hitting snow in early October. I totally broke down. I had been sick for 2 weeks and I needed to be taken care of. So I drove hundreds of kilometres to get it. It was worth it too. I still don't understand why I can desire marriage and long-term so much yet willing remain with J when he has no clear desire to be long-term. I take small solace in his jealousy and knowing that he is only with me anyways and doesn't want anyone else.
The main point of this is that he asked me to be his date for his companies Christmas party. It's a very big thing. It's held at a very high ranking hotel in his city and is very formal. Ice sculptures and fountains of champagne and the like. Over 1000 people will attend this. I'm quite excited about it and glad he asked me. I feel a sense of validation. His cousins, siblings and now workmates will know about me. Perhaps I am climbing the ladder of standing. Perhaps I am just wishing. I choose to live in the unknown and cloud of happiness for now and not push the issue.
I also got asked to go to another Christmas party by a guy from highschool who had a crush on me for years but I felt he trivialized it. It's like he just wants to show me off to his work friends cuz I'm so "hot". Oh well, at least I'm desired, I suppose.
Anyways, it's late. I need to sleep. Hallowe'en is tomorrow! Excitement!! I love dressing up.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Thoughts on behaviour and morales
I was thinking about the women that I "hang around" with from time to time who I have come to know since living in this city. The thinking starts with my friend, who I've known since my oldest son was a baby, as her son was born 3 weeks before him. We were quite close friends for the first couple years and it seems to me that the more I got to know her, the more I didn't like her and her choices. Now, what gives me the right to judge, I guess is the question. But I think my problem is the fact that I have morales and increasingly, I see women having no morales. I don't know what the trend is or why this is happening but it seems to be true.
This friend of mine has willingly gone to the bar to find a man to sleep with and done so. She's been with countless amounts of men and has no shame. She has no qualms about smoking weed around her son (who she rarely has anyways) and had no qualms about doing coke for the longest time either. She just doesn't care. She doesn't think about what she does and is only interested in herself. She doesn't want to be with anyone for a long period of time and has no shame in saying so.
All her friends are just like that too. I don't understand what it is that makes these people happy. One of the girls has lost her son and refused to stay with the father. She repeatedly cheated on him and wouldn't stop. She just didn't care. She had no morales and just did what felt good to her. She would have men over while the father was at work.
It's like pleasure and disregard for anyone except themself is the crack cocaine of society today.
So many of the women I know are like this. Am I missing something? Where are all the good people hiding? I mean, sure, I don't get out much but what the hell is going on? I'm sure there must be some good women. Maybe they're hiding in the churches or something but then they're going to be judgemental and religious. Mind you, smaller price to pay than the chances of catching some STD or getting sick from drugs or who knows what else.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I drink on the weekends. I've made mistakes with guys and had sex too quickly and then found out they weren't interested in anything long term. I've dated a married man (which is the worst thing in the world I've ever done. I fell in love with him before I found out and then I couldn't stop). But I try to be good. I put my children first. I'm looking for long-term and nothing less. I'm devoted and loyal. I'm respectful and honest. Why are those things so hard to find in other women?
Don't women realize that by behaving like this, nobody is going to want them? They just look cheap, dirty, used. Or does it even matter anymore. I guess girls like that, find guys that like that. I'd just like to find a girl that's not like that to actually be friends with. Heaven forbid, find a guy who's not like that and is a good match for me. *sigh*
This friend of mine has willingly gone to the bar to find a man to sleep with and done so. She's been with countless amounts of men and has no shame. She has no qualms about smoking weed around her son (who she rarely has anyways) and had no qualms about doing coke for the longest time either. She just doesn't care. She doesn't think about what she does and is only interested in herself. She doesn't want to be with anyone for a long period of time and has no shame in saying so.
All her friends are just like that too. I don't understand what it is that makes these people happy. One of the girls has lost her son and refused to stay with the father. She repeatedly cheated on him and wouldn't stop. She just didn't care. She had no morales and just did what felt good to her. She would have men over while the father was at work.
It's like pleasure and disregard for anyone except themself is the crack cocaine of society today.
So many of the women I know are like this. Am I missing something? Where are all the good people hiding? I mean, sure, I don't get out much but what the hell is going on? I'm sure there must be some good women. Maybe they're hiding in the churches or something but then they're going to be judgemental and religious. Mind you, smaller price to pay than the chances of catching some STD or getting sick from drugs or who knows what else.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I drink on the weekends. I've made mistakes with guys and had sex too quickly and then found out they weren't interested in anything long term. I've dated a married man (which is the worst thing in the world I've ever done. I fell in love with him before I found out and then I couldn't stop). But I try to be good. I put my children first. I'm looking for long-term and nothing less. I'm devoted and loyal. I'm respectful and honest. Why are those things so hard to find in other women?
Don't women realize that by behaving like this, nobody is going to want them? They just look cheap, dirty, used. Or does it even matter anymore. I guess girls like that, find guys that like that. I'd just like to find a girl that's not like that to actually be friends with. Heaven forbid, find a guy who's not like that and is a good match for me. *sigh*
A restless evening
So, here I am trying desperately to sleep. I know my body needs it. I went to a costume party last night and I've been trying to recover from the stomach spasms that decided to hit me at about 2 am. There's something seriously screwed up with my stomach. It really doesn't like me some days. Maybe it really is a gluten problem, I don't know. Anyways, long story short, I've been in pain since 2 am and it finally stopped around 7 pm tonight. I watched a few shows with my kids and now they're asleep.
My brain will not rest. I believe I'm a bit neurotic. I don't know why it is that God decided to make us aware of our own impending death. To be aware of your own mortality is a mental torture that I cannot get away from. I hate it. It makes me crazy at night. I don't know why I cannot stop thinking about it.
I hate knowing that I'm 29 and that if I'm lucky, I'll live until I'm 80. I hate having a life expectancy. I have very little faith in an afterlife, no matter how much I believe in God. I always have this nagging sense that it's a trick, this whole religion thing. Like it's a cop-out so we don't have to be so freaked out about dying.
I don't know. My oldest son is aware of dying and he asks me about it and it scares him (understandably so). I had hoped that by this time in my life I would be able to reassure him and really mean it. Now I tell him that there is a heaven and I don't even fully believe it myself. I truly wish there was a heaven and I want to go there. But I have such a hard time believing it. I'm so scared of dying. I don't want to lose my consiousness.
I think I must be crazy. Why can't I just be like everyone else and not think about it or worry about it? I can convince myself of that for a few days sometimes but then I just get right back into that weird thinking. I guess it might be easier if there was someone to turn to at night and just hold. I feel so alone and all these spinning thoughts of my own mortality don't go anywhere. I know the idea of "You can't control it so why worry about it" should work. It just doesn't for me. I just have to pretend it's not going to happen somehow.
I hope I can get closer to God soon. This is making me insane.
My brain will not rest. I believe I'm a bit neurotic. I don't know why it is that God decided to make us aware of our own impending death. To be aware of your own mortality is a mental torture that I cannot get away from. I hate it. It makes me crazy at night. I don't know why I cannot stop thinking about it.
I hate knowing that I'm 29 and that if I'm lucky, I'll live until I'm 80. I hate having a life expectancy. I have very little faith in an afterlife, no matter how much I believe in God. I always have this nagging sense that it's a trick, this whole religion thing. Like it's a cop-out so we don't have to be so freaked out about dying.
I don't know. My oldest son is aware of dying and he asks me about it and it scares him (understandably so). I had hoped that by this time in my life I would be able to reassure him and really mean it. Now I tell him that there is a heaven and I don't even fully believe it myself. I truly wish there was a heaven and I want to go there. But I have such a hard time believing it. I'm so scared of dying. I don't want to lose my consiousness.
I think I must be crazy. Why can't I just be like everyone else and not think about it or worry about it? I can convince myself of that for a few days sometimes but then I just get right back into that weird thinking. I guess it might be easier if there was someone to turn to at night and just hold. I feel so alone and all these spinning thoughts of my own mortality don't go anywhere. I know the idea of "You can't control it so why worry about it" should work. It just doesn't for me. I just have to pretend it's not going to happen somehow.
I hope I can get closer to God soon. This is making me insane.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
*Gasp* Yes, I do live. Let me come to my blog for some fresh air. At least the green theme gives the impression of such. Haha!
I have to get back on this writing thing! I'll try to connect later tonight if the children give me some time to do so.
Life changes quite a bit in a month, just like the air and how the leaves on the trees are changing colour! Wow, does it molt from season to season quickly around here! 4:53 pm
8:48 pm
So I'm back again and I'm not sure how long this will last as both my children are by me and they are both learning at a rather quick rate, how to read. I'm trying to think if there is anything new to update or anything relevant. I've been intensely busy with work so I haven't had as much time to read interesting articles in the news. Rather sad as I get behind on the world except for when I log out of hotmail and it goes to sympatico and the newest headlines show up.
Also school started at the beginning of September and that definitely causes an uproar in anyone's schedule, as you parents well know. I think we're finally settling into that pattern again. Also there were other things going on with the children's father and the ministry but that's done and over with and no point talking about.
I'm desperately hoping that things have settled down enough that I can write in here again and give the focus back to writing once a week, at least.
Part of the reason I came back was reading my brother's own blog and seeing a real sense of loss, confusion and disassociation with himself. A real intelligence striving for a sense of self-acceptance hiding and fighting against anger from his childhood. It was somewhat touching but rather scary as he was the only other one of us children who seemed to have found a normalcy in life and gone forward from the neurosis of our family life. I hardly say that in the sense of all these people saying that their family is neurotic and every family has their own set of problems. This is the real thing. I just found it a shock to read his writing and see how predominant our childhood still is in his way of thinking.
Anyways, I'm back. I'm here. I have to sleep. More writing to come soon... I hope.
I have to get back on this writing thing! I'll try to connect later tonight if the children give me some time to do so.
Life changes quite a bit in a month, just like the air and how the leaves on the trees are changing colour! Wow, does it molt from season to season quickly around here! 4:53 pm
8:48 pm
So I'm back again and I'm not sure how long this will last as both my children are by me and they are both learning at a rather quick rate, how to read. I'm trying to think if there is anything new to update or anything relevant. I've been intensely busy with work so I haven't had as much time to read interesting articles in the news. Rather sad as I get behind on the world except for when I log out of hotmail and it goes to sympatico and the newest headlines show up.
Also school started at the beginning of September and that definitely causes an uproar in anyone's schedule, as you parents well know. I think we're finally settling into that pattern again. Also there were other things going on with the children's father and the ministry but that's done and over with and no point talking about.
I'm desperately hoping that things have settled down enough that I can write in here again and give the focus back to writing once a week, at least.
Part of the reason I came back was reading my brother's own blog and seeing a real sense of loss, confusion and disassociation with himself. A real intelligence striving for a sense of self-acceptance hiding and fighting against anger from his childhood. It was somewhat touching but rather scary as he was the only other one of us children who seemed to have found a normalcy in life and gone forward from the neurosis of our family life. I hardly say that in the sense of all these people saying that their family is neurotic and every family has their own set of problems. This is the real thing. I just found it a shock to read his writing and see how predominant our childhood still is in his way of thinking.
Anyways, I'm back. I'm here. I have to sleep. More writing to come soon... I hope.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Lack of posts
Is exactly what I worried about once I started this blog. I've been focused elsewhere, as you might guess. It's been mostly illness, whether it's myself or my kids.
I don't know. I feel rather spread out and not willing to give myself to much of anything except my family. Although I do enjoy venting, I have to have time to do so. Not that this is meant to be a "vent" per se but an expression of opinions.
I'd like to talk about news but not today.
I am alive though and do have plans to keep blogging.
I don't know. I feel rather spread out and not willing to give myself to much of anything except my family. Although I do enjoy venting, I have to have time to do so. Not that this is meant to be a "vent" per se but an expression of opinions.
I'd like to talk about news but not today.
I am alive though and do have plans to keep blogging.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Office politics
I feel like I'm getting the first taste of those things that you only see happen in movies about office gossip and such. Gladly, I am on the outskirts of things but I can see how I'm going to get pulled in rather quickly by the office "mates" I have made and those that I haven't. Being an analyst puts me at somewhat of an advantage because I don't quite work in the trenches, so to speak. I don't have any direct say as to how things "should be" or do the work they do or know the rules that should be followed or broken. Well, in essence, I know the rules but on the computer side of things.
Anyways, I guess rules weren't followed somehow along the lines by some people and they were by others. The problem was that the supervisor was the one not following the rules and was training new people in the wrong way. Now, my "friends" have been doing it the right way and been doing so for awhile because they implemented the change after a meeting and I'm guessing assumed the supervisor had done the same thing. (The whole problem with this entire process is the fact that there is NO process. Changes are implemented and it's like management just hopes things will take or something.)
Aaaaaaanyways, so I guess last Thursday, the supervisor was training some people and my friends heard her and corrected her. The supervisor got upset and tried to stand her ground, being supervisor and all and in turn, inadvertantly accused them of either lying or holding things back from her. Quickly enough it escalated into a who's side is who's and what is the way we've been doing things and who's allied with who.
Things ended in silence BUT this is the part that I don't like. Everyone is, of course, entitled to taking their own time and doing what they want on their own time. But, that evening, the allied ones with the supervisor went over to her house and sat around, having some drinks and hot tubbing. Things were obviously assumed to have been said. This is a bunch of women, after all. And now there is silence in the office between the 2 groups.
I get to hear about this today of all things! This is because I don't sit on the floor anymore, I'm in an office. I'm also getting pegged as anti-social but I'm thinking that's probably the better way to play it right now. It's just part of my job has me interacting with one of my friends so I got to hear about it and understand why it's so damn quiet out there lately. Also, it kinda helps that I was sick yesterday.
BUT did I get looks today! I usually do the polite office "Good morning" or smile but today, I wasn't greeted or smiled at in return. *sigh* How sad. I wonder how tomorrow will be as I have another day with my friend in my office. And we laugh and giggle. I'm sure the gears will be aturning tomorrow about what we "MUST BE SAYING" about the others. And our manager is gone on holidays. *ACK*
Anyways, I guess rules weren't followed somehow along the lines by some people and they were by others. The problem was that the supervisor was the one not following the rules and was training new people in the wrong way. Now, my "friends" have been doing it the right way and been doing so for awhile because they implemented the change after a meeting and I'm guessing assumed the supervisor had done the same thing. (The whole problem with this entire process is the fact that there is NO process. Changes are implemented and it's like management just hopes things will take or something.)
Aaaaaaanyways, so I guess last Thursday, the supervisor was training some people and my friends heard her and corrected her. The supervisor got upset and tried to stand her ground, being supervisor and all and in turn, inadvertantly accused them of either lying or holding things back from her. Quickly enough it escalated into a who's side is who's and what is the way we've been doing things and who's allied with who.
Things ended in silence BUT this is the part that I don't like. Everyone is, of course, entitled to taking their own time and doing what they want on their own time. But, that evening, the allied ones with the supervisor went over to her house and sat around, having some drinks and hot tubbing. Things were obviously assumed to have been said. This is a bunch of women, after all. And now there is silence in the office between the 2 groups.
I get to hear about this today of all things! This is because I don't sit on the floor anymore, I'm in an office. I'm also getting pegged as anti-social but I'm thinking that's probably the better way to play it right now. It's just part of my job has me interacting with one of my friends so I got to hear about it and understand why it's so damn quiet out there lately. Also, it kinda helps that I was sick yesterday.
BUT did I get looks today! I usually do the polite office "Good morning" or smile but today, I wasn't greeted or smiled at in return. *sigh* How sad. I wonder how tomorrow will be as I have another day with my friend in my office. And we laugh and giggle. I'm sure the gears will be aturning tomorrow about what we "MUST BE SAYING" about the others. And our manager is gone on holidays. *ACK*
Monday, August 13, 2007
Gossip about Sinnamon
Right, so I had to decide about my anonymity on here and figured that yeah, I'll talk about this. So... J, who I mentioned before, is in another city and we're very clearly in a non-relationship but I get to deal with all the goodies of being treated like I am the girlfriend. For example, him getting jealous over me having a picture on Facebook sitting with another guy (and I can safely say I will have a freakout entry one day about Facebook, god I hate that site) or getting jealous because I have someone show up on my friends list who's a guy I went on a date with ONCE or getting upset because I'm going out with my single girlfriends to the club or getting upset because I don't place him as my highest priority when he wants something. Even this kind of behaviour I don't tolerate well in a relationship so this really just irritates the F outta me when this happens. We're not together and he's told me he doesn't know when I ask him if we're bf/gf or if he wants to be with me. Personally, I'm done with him, I just find it incredibly hard to end the friendship.
Anyways. Point? J has a best friend who he grew up with as a teenager and they both came over from Africa together, went to school together, lived together, etc. Said best friend (I'll call him K) lives here in my city and we talk on MSN and go to the odd movie together and get along rather well BUT knowing J's intese jealousy, we avoid each other for the most part.
About 8 months ago, me and K were joking around on MSN and sort of making fun of this non-relationship me and J are in. We both are aware of his jealousy and thought we'd see what happened if we told J that me and K are gonna go on a date. At first there was disbelief and J didn't believe it at all. Then we convinced him it's true and we're going to just try it out. J lit on fire, gave us both an intense amount of crap, almost started crying, etc. so we had to bail out on the joke. BUT, said joke kind of ignited this thought in our minds and we do have this sort of latent attraction for each other but we didn't do anything about it because of J.
K and I have been talking on MSN a lot and we've been doing a lot of flirting lately and talking about sexual things (not what we'd do to each other but just what we like, fantasies, etc.) and generally walking on thin ice. K is in a relationship with this girl who lives in the US and this is also an on again, off again relationship but they are commited to each other and do hope to be together in the future one day. They see each other 3 times a year. I don't know why I mentioned her, I guess it's my own guilt.
Anyways, Saturday evening, K and I ended up seeing each other face to face after a lengthy conversation on MSN and we ended up taking things too far. We'd never done anything physical before, not even a touch. That night we definitely touched. We held each other, we caressed, fondled, etc. We definitely took things to another level that we shouldn't have. We didn't have sex or even kiss but still. Things changed.
My question is my guilt. Is it because of this non-relationship I'm in? Yes. I would feel so bad if J found out. I want him to commit to me and he refuses ... so I'm doing what? Trying to get even by messing around with his best friend? Why do I feel so guilty? He doesn't want to be with me long-term. *sigh*
K and I definitly broke the rules though. That's his best friend. Stupider thing too is that obviously K doesn't want to be with me either, he wants to be with that girl in the US. I just feel stupid for even making that choice to see him. It was my selfishness that wanted to just feel him once in my arms. It's like dipping your toe in the water but knowing it's too cold to go for a swim.
I have to make sure I back off really well here. I can't let my selfishness get in the way of my life or other's lives like that again. Surely K needs to think about that too if he really wants to be with that girl. But for me, I know that if I want to ever even consider being in a relationship with anyone, I can't be doing things like that. You just never mess with a guy's best friend. It's like one of those rules.
Anyways. Point? J has a best friend who he grew up with as a teenager and they both came over from Africa together, went to school together, lived together, etc. Said best friend (I'll call him K) lives here in my city and we talk on MSN and go to the odd movie together and get along rather well BUT knowing J's intese jealousy, we avoid each other for the most part.
About 8 months ago, me and K were joking around on MSN and sort of making fun of this non-relationship me and J are in. We both are aware of his jealousy and thought we'd see what happened if we told J that me and K are gonna go on a date. At first there was disbelief and J didn't believe it at all. Then we convinced him it's true and we're going to just try it out. J lit on fire, gave us both an intense amount of crap, almost started crying, etc. so we had to bail out on the joke. BUT, said joke kind of ignited this thought in our minds and we do have this sort of latent attraction for each other but we didn't do anything about it because of J.
K and I have been talking on MSN a lot and we've been doing a lot of flirting lately and talking about sexual things (not what we'd do to each other but just what we like, fantasies, etc.) and generally walking on thin ice. K is in a relationship with this girl who lives in the US and this is also an on again, off again relationship but they are commited to each other and do hope to be together in the future one day. They see each other 3 times a year. I don't know why I mentioned her, I guess it's my own guilt.
Anyways, Saturday evening, K and I ended up seeing each other face to face after a lengthy conversation on MSN and we ended up taking things too far. We'd never done anything physical before, not even a touch. That night we definitely touched. We held each other, we caressed, fondled, etc. We definitely took things to another level that we shouldn't have. We didn't have sex or even kiss but still. Things changed.
My question is my guilt. Is it because of this non-relationship I'm in? Yes. I would feel so bad if J found out. I want him to commit to me and he refuses ... so I'm doing what? Trying to get even by messing around with his best friend? Why do I feel so guilty? He doesn't want to be with me long-term. *sigh*
K and I definitly broke the rules though. That's his best friend. Stupider thing too is that obviously K doesn't want to be with me either, he wants to be with that girl in the US. I just feel stupid for even making that choice to see him. It was my selfishness that wanted to just feel him once in my arms. It's like dipping your toe in the water but knowing it's too cold to go for a swim.
I have to make sure I back off really well here. I can't let my selfishness get in the way of my life or other's lives like that again. Surely K needs to think about that too if he really wants to be with that girl. But for me, I know that if I want to ever even consider being in a relationship with anyone, I can't be doing things like that. You just never mess with a guy's best friend. It's like one of those rules.
Healthcare
My absence yesterday was because I spent the day in the ER here due to intense stomach spasms and low grade fever (though I think I was just overheated by the pain). It sucked. I"ve had stomach pains for many years, few of which have been solved. This spasming has been going on for 3 weeks but very minutely. Pains here and there that pass but have been increasing over the past week.
At 6 am yesterday morning I start getting pains that increase in severity, to the point I'm tossing and turning, screaming, getting sick and just generally being very sick. Now, I've been through stuff like this before and it goes away after 6 hours or so but by 12:30 pm, it still wasn't letting up so I made the horrid decision to go to the hospital. I was hoping, praying because it was a Sunday, it wouldn't be too busy. I waited at least 1 1/2 hours to get in to get a bed. Then another hour to be seen by a doctor to get some tests ordered and thank god, an IV and anti-spasmodics. Wait around for another hour to get x-rays done and blood work done. Everything came back normal except for having a ton of very clear spasms and that's about it. So I get sent home with a bunch of anti-spasmodics and told to rest. Hmmmm... basically that was what I expected and I really wish it didn't take so long. 8 hours later, I got to go home with a relatively clean bill of health.
Ok so after that boo-hoo, poor me... I did have a reason to write all that. Ironically enough, I just watched Sicko on Saturday. In caaaaaaaase you don't know what that is, it's a bias documentary on the healthcare system in the USA by Michael Moore. Whenever I see something by him, it's always a stretch to eliminate his bias comments and try to glean the true facts out of what he's saying. But in the same stretch, I realize that there's not many people out there that are even SAYING what he has to say so at least I'm getting a view point. So, I watched the entire thing and took away the best from it.
The americans have this lovely privatized healthcare system where insurance pays for everything and you pay deductibles. The rich take care of themselves and poor people get nothing unless they can afford it and even then, they'd have to have money to pay for some of it. If you're poor, sick and need help? You're screwed. Much less the cost of prescriptions.
I look at what happened to me yesterday. I was sick. I needed help. Now I'm not "poor" by any means but I sure don't have money in my bank account saved up, I don't have a credit card (haha no identity theft for me) and I didn't have much cash on me. I would not have been able to go to the hospital and get any help. I wouldn't have been able to see a doctor or get any medicine. I would have put it off because I couldn't afford it and IF I had insurance, I would have worried that what happened might not get approved for coverage by my insurance. My blessing is that I live in Canada. Yes, I had to wait. But I got x-rays done, blood tests done, 2 doses of medication, an IV to get my rehydrated and medication to take home with me. Did I have to sign a piece of paper putting the bill to my insurance? No. Did I have to charge anything to a credit card? No. Give them anything at all saying I'd pay for any portion of my treatment? No. I just walked out of the hospital. I didn't once have to think about IF I should get those x-rays done, IF I can afford the medicine, IF I really need that blood work done.
I think that there are definitely things that need to be done to better our health system. The long waits, the lack of proper machines for testing, not enough doctors and nurses, etc. All the problems we have need to be addressed properly and solved so everyone gets the treatment they deserve. BUT from the flipside, everyone gets treatment. There is no bias on how much money you make and the coverage you have. I think that's a blessing and I'm glad I live in Canada.
At 6 am yesterday morning I start getting pains that increase in severity, to the point I'm tossing and turning, screaming, getting sick and just generally being very sick. Now, I've been through stuff like this before and it goes away after 6 hours or so but by 12:30 pm, it still wasn't letting up so I made the horrid decision to go to the hospital. I was hoping, praying because it was a Sunday, it wouldn't be too busy. I waited at least 1 1/2 hours to get in to get a bed. Then another hour to be seen by a doctor to get some tests ordered and thank god, an IV and anti-spasmodics. Wait around for another hour to get x-rays done and blood work done. Everything came back normal except for having a ton of very clear spasms and that's about it. So I get sent home with a bunch of anti-spasmodics and told to rest. Hmmmm... basically that was what I expected and I really wish it didn't take so long. 8 hours later, I got to go home with a relatively clean bill of health.
Ok so after that boo-hoo, poor me... I did have a reason to write all that. Ironically enough, I just watched Sicko on Saturday. In caaaaaaaase you don't know what that is, it's a bias documentary on the healthcare system in the USA by Michael Moore. Whenever I see something by him, it's always a stretch to eliminate his bias comments and try to glean the true facts out of what he's saying. But in the same stretch, I realize that there's not many people out there that are even SAYING what he has to say so at least I'm getting a view point. So, I watched the entire thing and took away the best from it.
The americans have this lovely privatized healthcare system where insurance pays for everything and you pay deductibles. The rich take care of themselves and poor people get nothing unless they can afford it and even then, they'd have to have money to pay for some of it. If you're poor, sick and need help? You're screwed. Much less the cost of prescriptions.
I look at what happened to me yesterday. I was sick. I needed help. Now I'm not "poor" by any means but I sure don't have money in my bank account saved up, I don't have a credit card (haha no identity theft for me) and I didn't have much cash on me. I would not have been able to go to the hospital and get any help. I wouldn't have been able to see a doctor or get any medicine. I would have put it off because I couldn't afford it and IF I had insurance, I would have worried that what happened might not get approved for coverage by my insurance. My blessing is that I live in Canada. Yes, I had to wait. But I got x-rays done, blood tests done, 2 doses of medication, an IV to get my rehydrated and medication to take home with me. Did I have to sign a piece of paper putting the bill to my insurance? No. Did I have to charge anything to a credit card? No. Give them anything at all saying I'd pay for any portion of my treatment? No. I just walked out of the hospital. I didn't once have to think about IF I should get those x-rays done, IF I can afford the medicine, IF I really need that blood work done.
I think that there are definitely things that need to be done to better our health system. The long waits, the lack of proper machines for testing, not enough doctors and nurses, etc. All the problems we have need to be addressed properly and solved so everyone gets the treatment they deserve. BUT from the flipside, everyone gets treatment. There is no bias on how much money you make and the coverage you have. I think that's a blessing and I'm glad I live in Canada.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Holly McNarland
I just wanted to note my pleasure that this little Canadian gem has come back into the singing spotlight. She has a beautiful voice and so strong in her music. There is a new song she has come out with and has been on one of the radio stations I listen to frequently. I wish her all the best and hope more people take to her than did the last time around. Elmo was great tho and so was Coward. Strong voice and a beauty all her own. Cheers...
Perhaps I will post links at a future date to give her the credit she deserves.
Perhaps I will post links at a future date to give her the credit she deserves.
Matters of discussion
Right so I can see I'm going to be a bit addicted to this blogging for the first little while. Usually I only write when I'm extremely frustrated and angry and that's for my own personal record, not to just write for the sake of writing. Anyways, point being... Sometimes I have these discussions with my friends and we get going off on these odd little tangents. I wonder if we're quite sane or insane, at times.
So I was talking to ... I'll call him J cuz it suits him. He's this on again/off again long-term non-commited but I want more relationship that I've had for the past almost 2 years. He lives in another city but we still talk on a regular basis. Anyways, we were talking and I'd brought up what I'd read in the news the day before. RE: the monkey/evolution thing I mentioned in my first post. The story is that the evolution theory has now been not quite de-bunked but had a wrench (or rather a skull) thrown into the mix. Said skull is found to have lived side by side one of the species we were believed to have "evolved" from instead of being one of the species they evolved from. If that makes sense to you anyways. Scientists have long been trying to prove this whole evolution theory and make all these links to make Darwin correct. They seemingly can never find it and haven't yet been able to prove we evolved from monkeys. I don't believe it, personally. Why do the same monkeys exist now as they did millions of years ago with very little change? We exist in basically the same ways, save for our own technological advances and environmental factors. I find it hard to believe we had tails and fur and just transformed slowly into what we are today. I think we adapted but not evolved. I've yet to see fossils that show a progession of one kind of animal into another. Fossils either show animals that died out and don't exist anymore or show animals that still exist to this day in exactly the same way as before.
So! We were discussing this theory of mine, the article, etc. and somehow the discussion turned to how teenagers hit puberty based on region. I wasn't expecting this nor had I given it any thought. J thinks that in North America, we all hit puberty early and by about 14 years of age, are basically completed the growth process. I tend to disagree that it's finished by 14 years of age but I do see many teenagers that are small adults, fully developed by 14 years of age. I, myself, was pretty much there at 14. Not mentally speaking but physically. His experience (he grew up in Africa) is that at 14 back home, teenagers are nowhere near that stage in puberty, on average. He says the same is in India, Pakistan and China, based on his knowledge. Granting I am not giving him God-like status, I can't say yes or no to his theory.
BUT given this opinion, I asked him if he thought he knows why. Personally, I'd say it may be something to do with the environment over a period of time. Here in North America, teenagers are given an adult freedom to roam around in packs, have jobs, have virtually endless dispensable income and have boyfriends/girlfriends and having been doing this now for 2 generations, let's say? I'd venture to say that possibly our environment has created the ability to grow up faster and so, the bodies have started to develop faster. Given this is a very off to top of my head guess with no scientific basis, who knows but I had to see if I could come up with an explanation. J's explanation is it is in the food we eat. At first, I was shocked and curious as to what he meant. He says that we have so much processed and altered food in our diet that it has affected our growth hormones somehow. I had to consider this, truly, you know? We do have many genetically altered vegetables, fruits and specifically bred animals to be the biggest, most productive food products. In turn, is it not possible that this may get passed down to our children and they hit puberty sooner? I can't say but it's a theory.
I did do some googling on it and puberty does seem to have not only a genetic link but a dietary link. That a group of people in europe, regardless of race, tend to hit puberty, on average at the same time and from region to region, it tends to be the same. The one universal is diet. There was a study saying that zinc may have a factor. Another saying that rich cultures with lots of foods leads to early onset of puberty. Yet another linked obesity in children to early onset of puberty. One wonders if obese children, rich diets, rich culture is the link but I didn't look too deeply. I just found it an interesting thought to ponder.
So I was talking to ... I'll call him J cuz it suits him. He's this on again/off again long-term non-commited but I want more relationship that I've had for the past almost 2 years. He lives in another city but we still talk on a regular basis. Anyways, we were talking and I'd brought up what I'd read in the news the day before. RE: the monkey/evolution thing I mentioned in my first post. The story is that the evolution theory has now been not quite de-bunked but had a wrench (or rather a skull) thrown into the mix. Said skull is found to have lived side by side one of the species we were believed to have "evolved" from instead of being one of the species they evolved from. If that makes sense to you anyways. Scientists have long been trying to prove this whole evolution theory and make all these links to make Darwin correct. They seemingly can never find it and haven't yet been able to prove we evolved from monkeys. I don't believe it, personally. Why do the same monkeys exist now as they did millions of years ago with very little change? We exist in basically the same ways, save for our own technological advances and environmental factors. I find it hard to believe we had tails and fur and just transformed slowly into what we are today. I think we adapted but not evolved. I've yet to see fossils that show a progession of one kind of animal into another. Fossils either show animals that died out and don't exist anymore or show animals that still exist to this day in exactly the same way as before.
So! We were discussing this theory of mine, the article, etc. and somehow the discussion turned to how teenagers hit puberty based on region. I wasn't expecting this nor had I given it any thought. J thinks that in North America, we all hit puberty early and by about 14 years of age, are basically completed the growth process. I tend to disagree that it's finished by 14 years of age but I do see many teenagers that are small adults, fully developed by 14 years of age. I, myself, was pretty much there at 14. Not mentally speaking but physically. His experience (he grew up in Africa) is that at 14 back home, teenagers are nowhere near that stage in puberty, on average. He says the same is in India, Pakistan and China, based on his knowledge. Granting I am not giving him God-like status, I can't say yes or no to his theory.
BUT given this opinion, I asked him if he thought he knows why. Personally, I'd say it may be something to do with the environment over a period of time. Here in North America, teenagers are given an adult freedom to roam around in packs, have jobs, have virtually endless dispensable income and have boyfriends/girlfriends and having been doing this now for 2 generations, let's say? I'd venture to say that possibly our environment has created the ability to grow up faster and so, the bodies have started to develop faster. Given this is a very off to top of my head guess with no scientific basis, who knows but I had to see if I could come up with an explanation. J's explanation is it is in the food we eat. At first, I was shocked and curious as to what he meant. He says that we have so much processed and altered food in our diet that it has affected our growth hormones somehow. I had to consider this, truly, you know? We do have many genetically altered vegetables, fruits and specifically bred animals to be the biggest, most productive food products. In turn, is it not possible that this may get passed down to our children and they hit puberty sooner? I can't say but it's a theory.
I did do some googling on it and puberty does seem to have not only a genetic link but a dietary link. That a group of people in europe, regardless of race, tend to hit puberty, on average at the same time and from region to region, it tends to be the same. The one universal is diet. There was a study saying that zinc may have a factor. Another saying that rich cultures with lots of foods leads to early onset of puberty. Yet another linked obesity in children to early onset of puberty. One wonders if obese children, rich diets, rich culture is the link but I didn't look too deeply. I just found it an interesting thought to ponder.
The setting of my life
I live in Western Canada and not in a metropolis city. Rather I live in a "city" that has much more persona of a small-town trying to be a big city, than an actual city. Cities tend to have a different feel to them. Here, you can see your big trucks driving around on the roads like they're cars, covered in mud from 4x4'ing in someone's private unknown wilderness or see people walking around, still dressed in traditional canadian lumberjack flannel jackets. Young males aren't usually seen walking around in casual business attire or suits with suitcases, rushing to their jobs after parking their nice new cars. They tend to run around in baseball caps backwards and the usual t-shirts, jeans combo or the newly acquired screaming Emo look, possibly having jumped off the bus or parked their truck. This is very distinctly redneck land. Women dressing appropriately here, dont even get me started. Either the average business "get-up" is jeans and a shirt that might have classified as "nice" in 1985 or something looking closer to scrubs. Mullets are still popular on women or it's short hair. Then you have the other side of the spectrum and the girls are figuratively screeching skank with how they dress. Don't get me wrong, there are the other kinds, nicely dressed, caring for their outwards appearance and how they carry themselves, it's just the proportions are slighted towards rednecks and their mates and other types I dare not categorize. I guess that may make me seem rather judgemental. I'm hoping I'm not as I strive not to be but sometimes I can't help it. People are people and it takes all kinds to make a world and to share it.
Night life is basically non-existent here save for a few bars, pubs, good restaurants (and crappy) and movie theaters and the odd play or performance. I think I have some envy of the bigger cities as they have choices. Here, we just rotate, rinse and repeat. Summer usually consists of bonfires at someone's out of town cabin, drinking and laughing or the same kind of behaviour at a lake or river. Winter months means moving indoors and doing the same thing at a pub or a bar or a restaurant. Anything of interest, like theater, plays, musicals, local artists, etc. is rather limited and in saying that, I'm also limited in friends who actually have an interest in participating in things like this. It's rather dry. The big excitement here seems to be when the fair is here, monster truck racing, race track races or some old hair band shows up.
So, that's the setting of the city I live in.
About me? I'm 29 and I'm a single mother to 2 boys. I've been single for 5 years. I work full-time in a corporate environment as an analyst and rather enjoy my job. I went to school for a fairly long period of time to get to where I am and I have some sense of pride in that accomplishment. I'm fiercely independent and rather opinionated. I've gotten myself into some frustrating situations, relationship wise and I'm sure I'll explain those things in further postings. A lot of the drama in my life tends to arise from either the way things go at work or my personal life involving men or friends. What I talk about in here will be my opinions/frustrations in these departments OR my never-ending thoughts on life, news, philosophy, stupid facts I've learnt and possibly my children. I'm doubting it will be about my children very often unless it's something extremely frustrating or highly enlightening. There are more than enough blogs from women drivelling on about how wonderful their children are and how they're the next Plato or something of the like. I won't waste my time or yours on these trivial things. I have my memories, videos and pictures of my children, for me and them and their future.
Night life is basically non-existent here save for a few bars, pubs, good restaurants (and crappy) and movie theaters and the odd play or performance. I think I have some envy of the bigger cities as they have choices. Here, we just rotate, rinse and repeat. Summer usually consists of bonfires at someone's out of town cabin, drinking and laughing or the same kind of behaviour at a lake or river. Winter months means moving indoors and doing the same thing at a pub or a bar or a restaurant. Anything of interest, like theater, plays, musicals, local artists, etc. is rather limited and in saying that, I'm also limited in friends who actually have an interest in participating in things like this. It's rather dry. The big excitement here seems to be when the fair is here, monster truck racing, race track races or some old hair band shows up.
So, that's the setting of the city I live in.
About me? I'm 29 and I'm a single mother to 2 boys. I've been single for 5 years. I work full-time in a corporate environment as an analyst and rather enjoy my job. I went to school for a fairly long period of time to get to where I am and I have some sense of pride in that accomplishment. I'm fiercely independent and rather opinionated. I've gotten myself into some frustrating situations, relationship wise and I'm sure I'll explain those things in further postings. A lot of the drama in my life tends to arise from either the way things go at work or my personal life involving men or friends. What I talk about in here will be my opinions/frustrations in these departments OR my never-ending thoughts on life, news, philosophy, stupid facts I've learnt and possibly my children. I'm doubting it will be about my children very often unless it's something extremely frustrating or highly enlightening. There are more than enough blogs from women drivelling on about how wonderful their children are and how they're the next Plato or something of the like. I won't waste my time or yours on these trivial things. I have my memories, videos and pictures of my children, for me and them and their future.
The first entry
And so here I am, this somewhat chilly morning on a Saturday in August. Definitely shows I'm living in Canada.
This blog has been prompted by my own a) slight boredom at work and b) my own interest in other bloggers. Mind you I will state that I'm not going to be writing in this while I'm at work (and I'm not at work right now, I'm at home). I just had a day where I had many tasks at work that were stuck in the state of "Waiting on someone else" and I was rather sick of reading news about how maybe we don't directly evolve from monkeys, it's a twisted path of evolution. Can't they just admit that Darwin was wrong? *sigh* I digress.
So I was reading this one woman's blog who had made the top 10 list of Canadian blogs and found it rather fascinating. In some aspects, I think she found that she had revealed too much about herself but that was rather her undoing by having her family and friends reading her blog. I have no such plans. This is purely for me and any stragglers that happen to latch on and decide I'm interesting enough to read about.
I've been told before that I have a natural ability to write so we'll see how it goes. I know if given the time, I surely do like to write and express my frustrations but I have a very difficult time of letting go and opening up. Hence, I'm hoping my commited anonymity of a blog will allow me to do so and who knows, maybe even get some feedback.
This blog has been prompted by my own a) slight boredom at work and b) my own interest in other bloggers. Mind you I will state that I'm not going to be writing in this while I'm at work (and I'm not at work right now, I'm at home). I just had a day where I had many tasks at work that were stuck in the state of "Waiting on someone else" and I was rather sick of reading news about how maybe we don't directly evolve from monkeys, it's a twisted path of evolution. Can't they just admit that Darwin was wrong? *sigh* I digress.
So I was reading this one woman's blog who had made the top 10 list of Canadian blogs and found it rather fascinating. In some aspects, I think she found that she had revealed too much about herself but that was rather her undoing by having her family and friends reading her blog. I have no such plans. This is purely for me and any stragglers that happen to latch on and decide I'm interesting enough to read about.
I've been told before that I have a natural ability to write so we'll see how it goes. I know if given the time, I surely do like to write and express my frustrations but I have a very difficult time of letting go and opening up. Hence, I'm hoping my commited anonymity of a blog will allow me to do so and who knows, maybe even get some feedback.
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