As I've complained bitterly before, I have stomach spasms on quite a regular basis lately. I've eliminated almost ALL wheat products with little success, I've recently eliminated alcohol (a sad parting I might add, I do like the numb, thought-LESS feeling it induces after 2 drinks), anything with red food dye and I'm now considering eliminating any and all milk products. I know that I get this odd feeling in my stomach after having tea with milk or ice cream (without tea) and well, I can't say it's pain at all but rather a spongy, squishy sensation that I can't say I enjoy.
So I've done this with no success save for the milk thing which I'll make official as of today. I don't know what the hell is wrong with my stomach. I've had problems since I was young. I was diagnosed after 6 years of suffering with Gastroparesis when I was 19 and then after having babies, it corrected itself. I remember after having babies though, when I got into fights and abusive situations with my now ex, I'd curl up into a ball with pain. So some of it is stress related.
What I don't understand now is what is going on and if it's stress related, why is it so localized and affected by pressure and how I lie down. I'm so confused and my doctor is telling me that f'in term IBS or maybe it's gluten allergies or lactose intolerance. I hate the term IBS. It's a hook doctor's hang stomach pains on. What I'm really tired of, is the pain. I'm very tired from it. I'm losing my patience with everything and I'm stressed out because of it. I'm used to it, don't get me wrong. I have a high tolerance for shit being handed to me, in particular, pain. But I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do about it anymore.
I know some of it is stress related but I don't know what to do about that. I can't help but be snide to the people who tell me to take a break, make time for "me" time, do something for youself for once. I want to just scream at them and make them understand that I don't have time for me yet. All I have time for is kids, work, cleaning, cooking and sleep. If I'm lucky I have time to watch a couple of shows I like. Maybe I'll be able to have time to draw a picture but for f's sake, it's wishful thinking to imagine spare time where I can "pamper" myself and make myself magically stress free with a bath. Get real. I have one day a week where I have no kids and no work and you know what I do? I cook for the week, I clean and I sleep in. Maybe I'm lucky and I get invited to a party which usually turns to shit cuz those people suck and they hang around people who suck. Most of the time I just "relax" by watching a good movie, alone. I do like to drive with music and I do that on Saturdays. But truly "Me" time would be no pain for more than 3 days straight, no work, no kids, no responsibilities and maybe, just maybe some good company of GOOD people. Laughter and a good massage would be prime. I really hope this X-mas party with J turns out to be like that.
I'm off to watch some Lost. That is a good distracting show. Mind you, I only just watched the first 2 shows of the first season so the rest of you are probably bored with it by now.
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