Being a single working mother...

Ok, so this is one of the most difficult jobs. We don't have managers or guidance unless we rely on our own mothers. If you're like me, you're constantly trying to undo a lot of learned behaviours that you know are wrong and reassessing your behaviour at various intervals wondering if you've done as much wrong to your children as your mother did to you.

I am an exhausted single mother at the moment. My mother decided to pitch an absolute bi-polar rage fit at the worst time and left me right when I was going to start work. The idea was I would gradually go back to work part-time and build my strength as I healed from my surgery. Well, no, no such luck. She threw a violent rage, abused everyone with filthy, vile words and shook the entire cohesiveness of our temporary family in the space of 12 hours. It was really quite sad and I still have issues with it. I'm not meaning to feel sorry for myself, it's just been very difficult because I was relying on her and she had made herself reliable. It's very trying when someone breaks your trust so easily. It had taken her 17 years to get back my trust and she lost it that day in the snap of her fingers.

Anyway, minus the complaints, I am very tired. I believe I blew a disc in my mid-back but I am in denial of the fact. I am sincerely hoping it is just a compressed disc that will ease up soon as the pain I get is enough to make me nauseated. My job is at a desk, as you know, being that I am in IT. I find myself utterly desiring bed from the minute I get through my door but I am unable. I have to rest in 5 minute spurts and then do 5 minute bursts of dishes, tidying 3 small items at a time and whatever else is necessary. I also have to figure out dinner for all of us. Not to mention trying to talk to the kids about their day and give them some kind of motherly contact.

I can only ponder my level of tiredness at the moment and I am thinking it is best I sign off.

I keep thinking about J. I miss him terribly although I think a lot of it is the similarity in our corporate jobs. Also our studies and our intertwined lives in the past. I think it is also the fact that I have problems being completely alone. I am trying to sever ties with all the people who have been destructive to me and I always jump to him as being the least destructive, even though in some senses, he was one of the worst because of my utter loss of control in my love for him.

In a lot of ways, I hope I don't break down. I am doing well by myself. If I resign myself to the odd text message as a way of communication with the married one, I give myself a lot less stress. Though there would be much less if I did not resign at all. But I feel I am doing well. I have returned to work, full-time, even though I am suffering, I am still doing it. I am not relying on anyone to help me. Let me continue this way.

Maybe one day, in 10 years or so, I will find myself a true partner. For now, I wish to suffice myself with myself... and my children.